나무가 주는 그늘은
건물이 주는 그늘과 달라서
나뭇잎과 나뭇가지 사이사이로,
바람과 햇빛의 궤도에 따라서
따스한 빛의 분포가 매순간 변한다.
다 같은 그늘이 아니다.
사람도 마찬가지다.
같은 성취를 이뤄도
그 방식과 그 성취를 받아들이는 사람의 취향에 따라
그 가치가 변한다.
나무가 주는 그늘과 같은
자연스럽고 유연한 사람이 되고 싶다.
그리고 그런 나를 알아주는 사람들이
나의 곁에 있으면 좋겠다.
The shade from a tree
Is different from that from a building
Because it allows holes of warm intrusions
That changes the pattern every second according to
The trajectory of sunlight and wind.
As such, not all shades are equal.
People are like this.
We are all humans,
But our characters, accomplishments, and the reception of them by others
Determine our worth.
I want to be a person like the shade from a tree,
Natural, colorful, and warm
And be surrounded by special ones
That could separate my shade from others
And remain with me
2015. 9. 28.
Diamond 3
Gaming has always been one of my favorite hobbies not only because of its pure entertainment but perhaps more so because of its competitive nature. The true fun I chased was the glory of stomping others, taunting enemies, and barely walking out of a close duel with a sliver of health. League of Legends became the perfect avenue to fulfill my prideful ventures as it offered a role called AD Carry that perfectly suited my personality, requiring the me to be the most important late-game carry on a mission to rip through the health bars of enemy champions with ruthless mechanical deftness and style.
In my climb from Bronze 2 to Diamond 3, from top 86% to top 0.4%, and in my time devoted to this endeavor, I have had the chance to look deeper into myself, learning better my flaws and my potential.
The biggest takeaway was learning to put down my pride for a more productive mindset for reviewing mistakes and making adjustments accordingly. In life, the tendency to be wrongful is normal; all humans are guilty of some flaw, whether it is the tendency to be jealous, to be prideful, to be dishonest, or anything. There are evolutionary reasons behind each of the human flaws, but we should not misconstrue evolutionary explanations as moral righteousness. And ironically, these evolutionarily acceptable flaws stunt our growth.
This is where wisdom has to come in; wisdom is the heart to detect these flaws and commit willful overriding of them with more righteous, albeit more unnatural (assuming the wrongful tendencies are natural), directions. Playing this game has taught be how strong the natural inclination is for many people to blame their teammates and to shift responsibility, letting pride cloud their judgment. Rationally, League's matchmaking algorithms are flawless, and with enough games, people are statistically guaranteed to be placed in the tier that accurately mirrors their level of play. When pride joins the equation, however, people cannot take in their failure and turn to others, or luck, to blame. This is the average league player.
I admit -- I started at the same place as many other people who blame others for their own shortcoming. But maybe it was my desire for acquiring elite level skills, or maybe it was my intuitive grasp of righteousness that saved me. One day in Silver 5, I began to find flaws within my own plays, and with the realization that I am not as good as I think I am, I began to grow. Separating pride from myself exposed my weaknesses, and surprisingly, it felt right. It felt right because now it was consistent -- I was bad and I acknowledged that. Blaming teammates alleviates the moment's tension but leaves a taste of discomfort.
Looking up more efficient item builds, shadowing pros' mechanics, and analyzing challenger games, I found a very powerful sense of joyfulness. This process from Silver 5 to somewhere around Platinum was probably the most genuinely fun period of my playing, where I grew both as a gamer and a person. It is a very rewarding feeling when I know I actually am on a climb because I can immediate notice. Win-to-loss ratio becomes very patterned, something like losing 1 game every 3 games won. The few games I lose start not mattering because I know it can't stop the momentum. This momentum and the feeling that I cannot be stopped is a very raw, instinctual force. I can see it when Faker has it, the way he plays when he knows -- and I know -- that he cannot be stopped at that moment of unabated momentum. Of course he does it at a much higher level, but in its core, its the same raw sensation.
I went up all the way to Diamond 3. My ranking was now in four digits, meaning only few thousand people were better than me at this game. At times I was queued up with former pros and famous streamers. At this point, I could watch Korean pros play and understand the depth of their decisions and gaze in awe at the most subtle mechanical movements the average players cannot and will not ever notice. This is the blessing of being at an elite level -- it means having the privilege of delving into the most esoteric beauties that are off-limits to commoners. The 0.5 cm sidestep to position in a teamfight is a proxy to the hundreds of hours spent mastering the game, and knowing this gives an unmatched satisfaction.
Now I am done. I realized I will never be a Master (Top 500) or Challenger (Top 200), and spending time to reach upper Diamonds is not worth the amount of stress and effort I would need to invest. Playing at mid Diamond gave me a realization that for non-pro gamers, there is likely a sweet spot to stop trying harder, the ideal place of "quitting" where returns don't justify the investment. I hit my ceiling; I don't have what Faker has in himself.
I love this game and the LoL professional scene, and through playing this game and being an avid fan of e-Sports, I became a better person. I learned, on a broad level, how confronting and challenging myself leads to real tangible and mental rewards. At the end, I learned what it's like to feel human, to feel good, to feel like a diamond.
The biggest takeaway was learning to put down my pride for a more productive mindset for reviewing mistakes and making adjustments accordingly. In life, the tendency to be wrongful is normal; all humans are guilty of some flaw, whether it is the tendency to be jealous, to be prideful, to be dishonest, or anything. There are evolutionary reasons behind each of the human flaws, but we should not misconstrue evolutionary explanations as moral righteousness. And ironically, these evolutionarily acceptable flaws stunt our growth.
This is where wisdom has to come in; wisdom is the heart to detect these flaws and commit willful overriding of them with more righteous, albeit more unnatural (assuming the wrongful tendencies are natural), directions. Playing this game has taught be how strong the natural inclination is for many people to blame their teammates and to shift responsibility, letting pride cloud their judgment. Rationally, League's matchmaking algorithms are flawless, and with enough games, people are statistically guaranteed to be placed in the tier that accurately mirrors their level of play. When pride joins the equation, however, people cannot take in their failure and turn to others, or luck, to blame. This is the average league player.
I admit -- I started at the same place as many other people who blame others for their own shortcoming. But maybe it was my desire for acquiring elite level skills, or maybe it was my intuitive grasp of righteousness that saved me. One day in Silver 5, I began to find flaws within my own plays, and with the realization that I am not as good as I think I am, I began to grow. Separating pride from myself exposed my weaknesses, and surprisingly, it felt right. It felt right because now it was consistent -- I was bad and I acknowledged that. Blaming teammates alleviates the moment's tension but leaves a taste of discomfort.
Looking up more efficient item builds, shadowing pros' mechanics, and analyzing challenger games, I found a very powerful sense of joyfulness. This process from Silver 5 to somewhere around Platinum was probably the most genuinely fun period of my playing, where I grew both as a gamer and a person. It is a very rewarding feeling when I know I actually am on a climb because I can immediate notice. Win-to-loss ratio becomes very patterned, something like losing 1 game every 3 games won. The few games I lose start not mattering because I know it can't stop the momentum. This momentum and the feeling that I cannot be stopped is a very raw, instinctual force. I can see it when Faker has it, the way he plays when he knows -- and I know -- that he cannot be stopped at that moment of unabated momentum. Of course he does it at a much higher level, but in its core, its the same raw sensation.
I went up all the way to Diamond 3. My ranking was now in four digits, meaning only few thousand people were better than me at this game. At times I was queued up with former pros and famous streamers. At this point, I could watch Korean pros play and understand the depth of their decisions and gaze in awe at the most subtle mechanical movements the average players cannot and will not ever notice. This is the blessing of being at an elite level -- it means having the privilege of delving into the most esoteric beauties that are off-limits to commoners. The 0.5 cm sidestep to position in a teamfight is a proxy to the hundreds of hours spent mastering the game, and knowing this gives an unmatched satisfaction.
Now I am done. I realized I will never be a Master (Top 500) or Challenger (Top 200), and spending time to reach upper Diamonds is not worth the amount of stress and effort I would need to invest. Playing at mid Diamond gave me a realization that for non-pro gamers, there is likely a sweet spot to stop trying harder, the ideal place of "quitting" where returns don't justify the investment. I hit my ceiling; I don't have what Faker has in himself.
I love this game and the LoL professional scene, and through playing this game and being an avid fan of e-Sports, I became a better person. I learned, on a broad level, how confronting and challenging myself leads to real tangible and mental rewards. At the end, I learned what it's like to feel human, to feel good, to feel like a diamond.
2015. 9. 16.
2015. 5. 15.
2015. 5. 3.
Type of girl
예전에 한 여자를 좋아했었지.
난 마음이 표정에 잘 들어나는 사람이라 분명 티가 안나진 않았을텐데
전혀 모르는 듯,
애가 타게끔 나를 휘둘렀지.
장난도 잘 받아주고, 생글생글 잘 웃어주고,
아무 거리낌 없는 스킨쉽까지.
난 고심끝에 고백을 했고,
그 애는 친구를 잃기 싫다는
상당히 지루하고 맥빠지는 거절을 했는데
그건 당연히 말도 안되는 변명이고,
그저 내가 성에 안찼던 거겠지.
웃기는 건, 이 여자는 은근히 내가 자신을 계속 좋아하길 원했던 거 같아.
뭐, 사랑받는 걸 싫어할 여자는 없을테지만.
그렇다 쳐도 궁금한게
이 여자가 얼마나 솔직했고 어디까지가 "여우짓"이였는지.
밝은 미소와 거리낌 없는 스킨쉽이 본인의 천성이였는지,
아니면 자신을 좋아하게끔 설계한 장치들이였는지.
뜬금없이 이게 생각난건 최근에 내 친구도 비슷한 유형의 여자를 좋아하고 있었다는걸 깨닳았거든. 고백을 거절한 후에도 계속 당기는 여자.
여담이지만, 난 이게 참 이기적이라고 생각해. 친구를 잃기 싫어? 남자는 고백하기 전에 수백 번 고민하고, 결국 친구를 잃을 각오로 용기내어 고백을 하는데 그딴 말도안되는 변명은 남자의 진심에 대한 예의가 아니지. 어장은 고백 전 까지만 하고, 만약 "거절"이란 선택을 했으면 그에 걸맡는 책임을 지어야지. 어장에서 풀어주고, 보내줘야지.
물론 남자 탓도 있지. 내 친구나 나나 고백에서 거절을 당한 후에도 이 여자의 어장이라면 어장이라도 좋다라고 생각했으니까.
지금 생각해보니까 그 당시의 나는 참 찌질했구나. 가엽도록.
다시 본론으로 돌아가서,
난 여우같은 여자를 좋아해본 적이 없고 좋아했던 여자들은 항상 "곰"같은 여자들이였는데
이 여자도 예외는 아니였지. 곰 같은 여자.
곰 같은 여자가 그런 여우같은 짓들을 하는게 가능한가?
자신을 좋아하게 끔 웃고, 문자하고, 손이 부딪히는게?
이제 절대로 알 수 없겠지. 그 당시에 더 유심히 관찰했으면 좋았을 걸.
그 빌어먹을 콩깍지 때문에 그럴 여유도 없었지. 너무 좋았으니까.
넌 곰이였니, 여우였니?
이건 질문이 좀 웃긴가.
난 진심이였어.
넌 진심이였니?
난 마음이 표정에 잘 들어나는 사람이라 분명 티가 안나진 않았을텐데
전혀 모르는 듯,
애가 타게끔 나를 휘둘렀지.
장난도 잘 받아주고, 생글생글 잘 웃어주고,
아무 거리낌 없는 스킨쉽까지.
난 고심끝에 고백을 했고,
그 애는 친구를 잃기 싫다는
상당히 지루하고 맥빠지는 거절을 했는데
그건 당연히 말도 안되는 변명이고,
그저 내가 성에 안찼던 거겠지.
웃기는 건, 이 여자는 은근히 내가 자신을 계속 좋아하길 원했던 거 같아.
뭐, 사랑받는 걸 싫어할 여자는 없을테지만.
그렇다 쳐도 궁금한게
이 여자가 얼마나 솔직했고 어디까지가 "여우짓"이였는지.
밝은 미소와 거리낌 없는 스킨쉽이 본인의 천성이였는지,
아니면 자신을 좋아하게끔 설계한 장치들이였는지.
뜬금없이 이게 생각난건 최근에 내 친구도 비슷한 유형의 여자를 좋아하고 있었다는걸 깨닳았거든. 고백을 거절한 후에도 계속 당기는 여자.
여담이지만, 난 이게 참 이기적이라고 생각해. 친구를 잃기 싫어? 남자는 고백하기 전에 수백 번 고민하고, 결국 친구를 잃을 각오로 용기내어 고백을 하는데 그딴 말도안되는 변명은 남자의 진심에 대한 예의가 아니지. 어장은 고백 전 까지만 하고, 만약 "거절"이란 선택을 했으면 그에 걸맡는 책임을 지어야지. 어장에서 풀어주고, 보내줘야지.
물론 남자 탓도 있지. 내 친구나 나나 고백에서 거절을 당한 후에도 이 여자의 어장이라면 어장이라도 좋다라고 생각했으니까.
지금 생각해보니까 그 당시의 나는 참 찌질했구나. 가엽도록.
다시 본론으로 돌아가서,
난 여우같은 여자를 좋아해본 적이 없고 좋아했던 여자들은 항상 "곰"같은 여자들이였는데
이 여자도 예외는 아니였지. 곰 같은 여자.
곰 같은 여자가 그런 여우같은 짓들을 하는게 가능한가?
자신을 좋아하게 끔 웃고, 문자하고, 손이 부딪히는게?
이제 절대로 알 수 없겠지. 그 당시에 더 유심히 관찰했으면 좋았을 걸.
그 빌어먹을 콩깍지 때문에 그럴 여유도 없었지. 너무 좋았으니까.
넌 곰이였니, 여우였니?
이건 질문이 좀 웃긴가.
난 진심이였어.
넌 진심이였니?
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