매듭을 짖지 말라고 마음이 말한다
우리가 만났던 시간동안
부딪히고 싸웠던 일들만 자꾸 생각나게 하는거 보면
내 마음은 나에게
계속 아쉬워하라고
계속 후회하라고 말하는거 같다
그래야 매듭이 지어지지 않을테니까
매듭이 지어지면
끝이니까
2016. 10. 23.
2016. 10. 17.
Revelations 3:15-16
15 I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other!
16 So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.
16 So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.
2016. 7. 6.
Thoughts 7/6/16
#1
Recent research idea: when we engage in procrastination, we choose meaningful activities to substitute for the work undone, which is mediated by the level of guilt. The more people feel guilty about procrastination, the more they choose a meaningful activity as a substitute (writing diary entry vs. reading manga).
#2
It's hard to believe I will leave LA in about a month. I can't really imagine life in Chicago because I have lived here since 5h grade and I don't know how I will react/adopt to a new environment. I am excited but at the same time worry about solitude. I am a bit sad that I am officially finishing college life. I will miss living with roommates and talking about nostalgia of anime and future of rap music.
#3
Overall, I really enjoyed college because it was a breeze. I never worked hard and earned probably the best outcome I could have asked for, which I am sure was rewarded by God. I had a great 2 year relationship with a nice girl and told her about God. My faith grew as a Christian and am more conscientious about living as a follower of Jesus.
But it was not always so easy - during my first two years, I have hit points of rock bottoms of my life, liking a wrong girl and being forced to take breaks from school due to inpredictable greencard processing. Not many people know I was accepted to and was about to go to UBC in Canada. My time in Korea was lonely as well as the time I spent upom returning to school. I am naturally a shadow to loneliness - I often find myself pushing people away and being bad at making new connections. One benefit of solitude is search for self and deep-thinking, which probably contributed to building of a scholarly mind.
#4
Breaking up is really painful and I am not well. I don't really like talking about this to others because nobody really understands or cares, because each case is different and people have their own loads of struggles.
I think I was a good boyfriend overall but it bothers me that I did not give my 100 percent, especially towards the end when the fact that I will move to Chicago subconsciously affected my level of affection and care for her and the relationship. I guess I subconsciously started to make distance. I regret this a lot. I am trying to swallow this by trying to believe "God allowed this to happen."
#5
I am trying to be a more resilient person who is not easily irritated by things that are not very important but yet feel like they are. I am not sure to what extent personality traits like this could change. I guess nobody will know for sure. I wonder - what is the best method of trying to change a trait like this? My current approach is trying to catch moments when I am irritated and telling myself in those moments to try to not be bothered. Not sure if this will be successful.
Recent research idea: when we engage in procrastination, we choose meaningful activities to substitute for the work undone, which is mediated by the level of guilt. The more people feel guilty about procrastination, the more they choose a meaningful activity as a substitute (writing diary entry vs. reading manga).
#2
It's hard to believe I will leave LA in about a month. I can't really imagine life in Chicago because I have lived here since 5h grade and I don't know how I will react/adopt to a new environment. I am excited but at the same time worry about solitude. I am a bit sad that I am officially finishing college life. I will miss living with roommates and talking about nostalgia of anime and future of rap music.
#3
Overall, I really enjoyed college because it was a breeze. I never worked hard and earned probably the best outcome I could have asked for, which I am sure was rewarded by God. I had a great 2 year relationship with a nice girl and told her about God. My faith grew as a Christian and am more conscientious about living as a follower of Jesus.
But it was not always so easy - during my first two years, I have hit points of rock bottoms of my life, liking a wrong girl and being forced to take breaks from school due to inpredictable greencard processing. Not many people know I was accepted to and was about to go to UBC in Canada. My time in Korea was lonely as well as the time I spent upom returning to school. I am naturally a shadow to loneliness - I often find myself pushing people away and being bad at making new connections. One benefit of solitude is search for self and deep-thinking, which probably contributed to building of a scholarly mind.
#4
Breaking up is really painful and I am not well. I don't really like talking about this to others because nobody really understands or cares, because each case is different and people have their own loads of struggles.
I think I was a good boyfriend overall but it bothers me that I did not give my 100 percent, especially towards the end when the fact that I will move to Chicago subconsciously affected my level of affection and care for her and the relationship. I guess I subconsciously started to make distance. I regret this a lot. I am trying to swallow this by trying to believe "God allowed this to happen."
#5
I am trying to be a more resilient person who is not easily irritated by things that are not very important but yet feel like they are. I am not sure to what extent personality traits like this could change. I guess nobody will know for sure. I wonder - what is the best method of trying to change a trait like this? My current approach is trying to catch moments when I am irritated and telling myself in those moments to try to not be bothered. Not sure if this will be successful.
2016. 6. 6.
Thoughts 6/6/16
1. Is it possible for people to be happy without God? Living without God means being ok with sinning and enjoying the short term sweets while falling to long term traps (sloth to poverty, lust to broken relationships, greed to insatiaty, etc.). It's probably impossible to be happy without God becauae these consequences wear people down. Life is like a game - whoever realizes this (wisdom) sooner gets to be happy.
2. One of core teachings of Jesus is "love others." This is in my head a lot these days - there are actually brief moments when I feel like I love people as God loves them - I see people, strangers and friends, and notice their unique qualities, from apperance to personalities, and they seem lovely and just right. I want to say good things, make jokes, feel pleasant, and enjoy their company in these short moments.
I feel like I got closer to understanding the nature and feeling of loving others. But the problem is the process of replicating this to make it as close to being permanent as it is possible. Most of the times, I am not in this "love mood" and notice people's flaws or size them up, which is like the exact opposite of God's evaluation of his creations. This applies to my perception towards others and also myself. Not good enough. How narcissistic is this really, to disagree with the creator's own flawless evaluations?
I feel like I am not alone, and many people struggle with this, but it seems like nobody else is interested in love, even Christians. It seems like nobody even tries to love people, despite this being one of the most essential teachings of Jesus. I think loving people is one of the most efficient ways to move nonbelievers' hearts - a single word with love is far more persuasive than a loveless lecture on dangers of hell.
I am thankful that I have this much figured out, and I want to try to understand the process of love better so I could be a more permanently loving person. I think it's my ego that usually gets in the way of remaining in the state of unconditional love - pride seems like the opposite of love, rather than hate. Pride is self-serving, which is the opposite of love.
3. I was reading Tversky and Kahneman's wikipedia biography. The most immediate reaction was to feel inadequate - after all, Kahneman was good enough to win a nobel prize in economics as a psychologist. But I was reminded that they aren't THAT special. I could be like them if I am brave and take consistent steps towards a lofty, rewarding goal. It's so easy to see greatness and be discouraged by it. Rappers quit rap because of beenzino, but they should not. Beenzino only looks great because he is great right now, which is a horrible depiction of his entire trajectory of his career from his amateur days. When people see greatness, they tend to overpraise it to remove the emotional cost of envy and inadequacy by trying to expand the psychological distance between themselves and the posessor of greatness (my theory lolz). But we should battle against this and take a deeper look into the steps to greatness.
2. One of core teachings of Jesus is "love others." This is in my head a lot these days - there are actually brief moments when I feel like I love people as God loves them - I see people, strangers and friends, and notice their unique qualities, from apperance to personalities, and they seem lovely and just right. I want to say good things, make jokes, feel pleasant, and enjoy their company in these short moments.
I feel like I got closer to understanding the nature and feeling of loving others. But the problem is the process of replicating this to make it as close to being permanent as it is possible. Most of the times, I am not in this "love mood" and notice people's flaws or size them up, which is like the exact opposite of God's evaluation of his creations. This applies to my perception towards others and also myself. Not good enough. How narcissistic is this really, to disagree with the creator's own flawless evaluations?
I feel like I am not alone, and many people struggle with this, but it seems like nobody else is interested in love, even Christians. It seems like nobody even tries to love people, despite this being one of the most essential teachings of Jesus. I think loving people is one of the most efficient ways to move nonbelievers' hearts - a single word with love is far more persuasive than a loveless lecture on dangers of hell.
I am thankful that I have this much figured out, and I want to try to understand the process of love better so I could be a more permanently loving person. I think it's my ego that usually gets in the way of remaining in the state of unconditional love - pride seems like the opposite of love, rather than hate. Pride is self-serving, which is the opposite of love.
3. I was reading Tversky and Kahneman's wikipedia biography. The most immediate reaction was to feel inadequate - after all, Kahneman was good enough to win a nobel prize in economics as a psychologist. But I was reminded that they aren't THAT special. I could be like them if I am brave and take consistent steps towards a lofty, rewarding goal. It's so easy to see greatness and be discouraged by it. Rappers quit rap because of beenzino, but they should not. Beenzino only looks great because he is great right now, which is a horrible depiction of his entire trajectory of his career from his amateur days. When people see greatness, they tend to overpraise it to remove the emotional cost of envy and inadequacy by trying to expand the psychological distance between themselves and the posessor of greatness (my theory lolz). But we should battle against this and take a deeper look into the steps to greatness.
2016. 5. 4.
Curiosity
I don't want to call these research topics since that implies a result-oriented frame of thinking. I don't have any particular direction I prefer to take with these ideas - I am simply curious.
1. Some people do not care about spoilers. Some people are overly sensitive about spoilers. What makes people not care/care too much about being spoiled? And, to what extent are they right; by this, I mean do people who care a lot about not being spoiled really are critically affected by spoilers as they expect to be? Maybe people who hate spoilers will still enjoy movies they would enjoy without spoilers, even though they probably predict otherwise.
2. Curiosity is powerful. Most people would probably fuck a hot girl whom they have never seen a layer of skin of than a hot girl wearing skimpy clothes, and not only because of the stigmas or prude vs. slut but also because sexual curiosity is powerful. A good example is Japanese porn - actresses resort to filming no-mosaic videos when they fall off their peak. While shooting no-mosaic videos squeezes out more money in the short run, it is the fastest way for a porn actress to nose-dive into irrelevance. A big mission for idol girls, or all girls, is keeping the golden balance of piquing enough sexual curiosity while not being overexposed. A secret to long-run is staying mysterious.
3. Death. Death is a very interesting topic to me right now. One research question I have is whether perceived distance from death affects us behaviorally. For example, if we were to live only 40 years, just as humans have done in the past, would we live as we do now, fucking tinder sluts weekly and smoking weed to no limit? Evolutionarily, we have evolved to be uncomfortable with death, to live and plan like we will never die. Technology has made it even easier for us to ignore the concept of death - with all the medicine, technology, and the promise of exponentially improving technology throughout our lives, we can ignore death easier. That means we value every minute less. Things are often romantic only because we know they are transient. Romance has died.
4. Is it more effective for fat people to advertise food? It might make food seem more delicious, but fat people are often associated with negative images. For example, some brand chickens use idol girl groups, some use fat comedians.
5. Torrent and Netflix allows us to stack up on episodes of a series and watch them all at once - a marathon. Is it actually more fun if it's done this way? Maybe we expect it to be more fun to watch multiple anime episodes at once, but in reality, maybe watching one at a time is more fun. Maybe we are more satisfied watching all at once, but enjoy them less. This is related to #3, how short-livedness might contribute to quality or appreciation, something we probably oversee more than we should.
While writing this, I noticed that every one of these relates to the concept of time, except for #4.
1. Some people do not care about spoilers. Some people are overly sensitive about spoilers. What makes people not care/care too much about being spoiled? And, to what extent are they right; by this, I mean do people who care a lot about not being spoiled really are critically affected by spoilers as they expect to be? Maybe people who hate spoilers will still enjoy movies they would enjoy without spoilers, even though they probably predict otherwise.
2. Curiosity is powerful. Most people would probably fuck a hot girl whom they have never seen a layer of skin of than a hot girl wearing skimpy clothes, and not only because of the stigmas or prude vs. slut but also because sexual curiosity is powerful. A good example is Japanese porn - actresses resort to filming no-mosaic videos when they fall off their peak. While shooting no-mosaic videos squeezes out more money in the short run, it is the fastest way for a porn actress to nose-dive into irrelevance. A big mission for idol girls, or all girls, is keeping the golden balance of piquing enough sexual curiosity while not being overexposed. A secret to long-run is staying mysterious.
3. Death. Death is a very interesting topic to me right now. One research question I have is whether perceived distance from death affects us behaviorally. For example, if we were to live only 40 years, just as humans have done in the past, would we live as we do now, fucking tinder sluts weekly and smoking weed to no limit? Evolutionarily, we have evolved to be uncomfortable with death, to live and plan like we will never die. Technology has made it even easier for us to ignore the concept of death - with all the medicine, technology, and the promise of exponentially improving technology throughout our lives, we can ignore death easier. That means we value every minute less. Things are often romantic only because we know they are transient. Romance has died.
4. Is it more effective for fat people to advertise food? It might make food seem more delicious, but fat people are often associated with negative images. For example, some brand chickens use idol girl groups, some use fat comedians.
5. Torrent and Netflix allows us to stack up on episodes of a series and watch them all at once - a marathon. Is it actually more fun if it's done this way? Maybe we expect it to be more fun to watch multiple anime episodes at once, but in reality, maybe watching one at a time is more fun. Maybe we are more satisfied watching all at once, but enjoy them less. This is related to #3, how short-livedness might contribute to quality or appreciation, something we probably oversee more than we should.
While writing this, I noticed that every one of these relates to the concept of time, except for #4.
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