시계가 멈췄고
사랑을 했다
그 몇초짜리 영원속에서.
2013. 11. 4.
2013. 9. 1.
Update or downdate
최근 몇 달 간 블로그에 적질 않아서 폰으로 몇 자 뚜들긴다. 적히지 않는 시간들은 잊혀지는 시간들이고 잊혀짐은 무의미함이다. 그런 무의미함을 제지하기 위해 요세 김인재의 인생에서 무슨 일들이 있었고 어떤 감정들을 느꼈는지 간략하게나마 끄적인다.
"알기도전에 느낀 고독이란 단어의 뜻" (에픽하이 백야)
난 외로움과 싸웠다. 집에 있는 시간들이 싫었고 그래서 집을 나와서 갔던 피시방도 사실 별로 즐겁진 않았다. 혼자는 너무 외로우니까. 가끔은 혼자 산책을 하다가 모르는 길들을 가로질러 낯선 골목길을 걸어보기도 했다. 딱히 뭐가 나올지 궁금해서가 아니라 뭐가 나오던 별로 상관 없었기 때문에. 외로운 사람은 사랑을 받지 못하는 상태이고 사랑을 받지 못하는 사람은 자신을 존중하는 법도 모른다. 그래서 난 내 걸음이 소중하지 않았고 내 시간이 소중하지 않았고 내가 소중하지 않았다.
"날씨는 화창한데 너가 장마인듯 해" (김인재 장마)
이런 나도 누군가를 좋아했던 적이 있고 그 덕에 아파했던 적이 있었다. 짝사랑이란 것은 어쩌면 세상에서 제일 악질적인 저주인듯싶다. 분명 좋아하는 사람의 잘못도, 그 마음을 받아주지 못하는 사람의 잘못도 아닌데 그 둘은 불편함을 주고받고, 어색함을 주고받고, 상처를 주고받기 때문이다. 어느날 눈을 떠보니 난 그녀가 좋아있었던거 뿐인데 그 첫 번째 도미노 조각은 넘어져 다른 조각들을 밀쳤고 그 모든 조각들이 쓰러지고 무너졌을 때 나에겐 큼지막한 흉터가 하나 새겨졌다. 그리고 고백한다, 난 아직 아프다.
"여러분들은 왜 프로토스를 하십니까?" (스타크래프트 이승원 해설)
피시방을 찾는 모든 남자들이 그렇듯 나도 롤을 한다. 아무래도 내가 롤을 하는건 외로움에서 오는 자학적 성향이 클 것이라고 생각한다. 요즘들어 팀원들에게 화를 내고 입에 담지도 못할 욕을 키보드로 두들기는 내 자신을 보곤한다. 생각해보면 참 한심하다. 한심하지만 딱히 고치려고 하지 않는다. 난 이런 놈이니까.
"알기도전에 느낀 고독이란 단어의 뜻" (에픽하이 백야)
난 외로움과 싸웠다. 집에 있는 시간들이 싫었고 그래서 집을 나와서 갔던 피시방도 사실 별로 즐겁진 않았다. 혼자는 너무 외로우니까. 가끔은 혼자 산책을 하다가 모르는 길들을 가로질러 낯선 골목길을 걸어보기도 했다. 딱히 뭐가 나올지 궁금해서가 아니라 뭐가 나오던 별로 상관 없었기 때문에. 외로운 사람은 사랑을 받지 못하는 상태이고 사랑을 받지 못하는 사람은 자신을 존중하는 법도 모른다. 그래서 난 내 걸음이 소중하지 않았고 내 시간이 소중하지 않았고 내가 소중하지 않았다.
"날씨는 화창한데 너가 장마인듯 해" (김인재 장마)
이런 나도 누군가를 좋아했던 적이 있고 그 덕에 아파했던 적이 있었다. 짝사랑이란 것은 어쩌면 세상에서 제일 악질적인 저주인듯싶다. 분명 좋아하는 사람의 잘못도, 그 마음을 받아주지 못하는 사람의 잘못도 아닌데 그 둘은 불편함을 주고받고, 어색함을 주고받고, 상처를 주고받기 때문이다. 어느날 눈을 떠보니 난 그녀가 좋아있었던거 뿐인데 그 첫 번째 도미노 조각은 넘어져 다른 조각들을 밀쳤고 그 모든 조각들이 쓰러지고 무너졌을 때 나에겐 큼지막한 흉터가 하나 새겨졌다. 그리고 고백한다, 난 아직 아프다.
"여러분들은 왜 프로토스를 하십니까?" (스타크래프트 이승원 해설)
피시방을 찾는 모든 남자들이 그렇듯 나도 롤을 한다. 아무래도 내가 롤을 하는건 외로움에서 오는 자학적 성향이 클 것이라고 생각한다. 요즘들어 팀원들에게 화를 내고 입에 담지도 못할 욕을 키보드로 두들기는 내 자신을 보곤한다. 생각해보면 참 한심하다. 한심하지만 딱히 고치려고 하지 않는다. 난 이런 놈이니까.
2013. 6. 16.
Responsibility
In my absence from this rundown blog house, preowned spider webs hit it off appropriately with irrelevant texts left behind to complete a portrait of desolate abandonment. Ok, this is bad writing but it's about time I realize I am already a bit too old and matured to pretend something I am not or have something to prove. I have come to terms with the truth that while I have many talents and writing is one of them, I am not the best at it because I have never trained myself to achieve the next level and secondly simply because I am not off the charts gifted and thereby cannot produce quality prose without dedication and practice. And this is an example of responsibility, an idea I have recently rediscovered and put much time thinking into.
People counting me love the lotto. We expect miracles and lucky turn of events to overthrow every inch of the status quo and take us back to where we think we belong: prosperity. But this is wrong because we can't expect to earn things that we never tried out for.
While I am not learned enough to have a say in politics, Korean liberals bother me when they speak out against the hierarchical college ranking system and demand hiring companies to screen out the applicant's alma mater when evaluating his or her merits as a potential employee. No, liberal sir, you didn't study hard enough back in the days and entered the trajectory of mediocrity, and you have to take responsibility for it. Unless you made it up with stellar GPA or impressive internship experience at the Blue House, you are there to stay. Say goodbye to Samsung, Hyundai, and their peers because there are more deserving candidates. Congrats on reading up on Marx but sorry you aren't that special.
Responsibility is also acceptance of mistakes. If you are 20 minutes late to a dinner event with friends, you are sorry because you caused others inconvenience. You are irresponsible if the first words from your mouth describe the reason you are late. It doesn't matter that much that your pants ripped on your way and forced a replacement. People waited for you and the credited response is that you apologize and make up for it by perhaps buying the dessert.
Plastic surgery is irresponsibility. It's an attempt at social ascension without inputting any source of effort or, well -- responsibility (this is funny because it's circular reasoning but I use it anyway because it's funny). Although I am still inconclusive on my thoughts on Korean women, I am noticing that this group is largely irresponsible and show other glaring examples of irresponsibility such as gossiping. Responsibility is speaking up when you have a problem with someone else and not forming a clique to blow things out of proportion and reach a conclusion on a person thru subjective and often misinformed/miscommunicated evidence. I am no misogynist but this is my two cents.
I am learning the value and applications of responsibility. I am trying to be more responsible and I hope you do too.
2013. 5. 26.
2013. 5. 11.
잠
잠에 든 너를 보고 있었어.
넌 뒤척거렸고, 미간이 지푸려졌고,
그런 널 보면서 난 어쩔줄 몰라했어.
혹시 아주 나쁜 꿈을 꾸는건 아닌지
그래서 널 깨워야 하는건 아닌지
피곤한 너를 깨우는게 맞는건지.
그 짧은 몇 초간 별에 별 생각이 다 들었는데
곧 평온을 되찾아 미소를 지으며 자고있는 널 봤어.
아마 그때였을꺼야 이런 생각이 든게.
어쩌면 난 너에게 필요 없는 사람이구나.
난 너에게 아무것도 줄 수가 없구나.
넌 나 없이도 되는구나.
넌 나 없이도 되는구나.
그래서 넌 내가 놓아야 하는 사람이구나.
내가 그렇게 작은 줄은 몰랐다고.
#사랑같은 거
2013. 4. 15.
small
Many people rant on facebook about how they have it so hard and shit and it's annoying as fuck. Seriously if you write an emotionally charged, lengthy screed on how hard your (insert some cs, engi, or hard science course here) is and how hard you have tried to do well, I can tell you two things: 1. You have lived a spoiled life and 2. You are dumb, being slow is not something to be proud of, and earning pity points will not salvage you from your academic incompetence. I think this is a Korean thing or more specifically fob thing and occurs when their defense mechanism tries to save the world by balancing out the social pressure to perform on an acceptably prestigious level. But obviously some are dumber and lazier than others and this group is the one conditioned to embarrass themselves on cyberspace as they are literally incapable of restraining their fingers from fishing for comments that read "힘내 괜찮아 ㅜㅜ 이거 듣고 화이팅! (insert a youtube link of some cheesy ass korean indie song for encouragement)".
What bothers me about this is that dumb, ignorant, and most importantly irresponsible, people are so many in number. And it's hard that I have to cross words, feelings, and whatever else humans communicate with, with these inferior creatures and dumb things down just because I am flesh too and I need people and relationships to preserve sanity. It hurts that I am so dependent on people when people means small existences designed for small things.
And at this point I ask God, is this a blasphemy? Am I wrong in calling your creations small and am I prideful for looking down on them? And what do I do when I constantly make myself a slave to the same set of people and cannot help it?
And intuition tells me love is the solution. Jesus befriended the whores and the proles moreso than he did the erudite and the clergy. But like anything, easier said than done. This is one of the occasions where high standards hurt more than benefit. It is hard to love people when they seem so mindless, foolish, and small.
Small as fuckkkkk
What bothers me about this is that dumb, ignorant, and most importantly irresponsible, people are so many in number. And it's hard that I have to cross words, feelings, and whatever else humans communicate with, with these inferior creatures and dumb things down just because I am flesh too and I need people and relationships to preserve sanity. It hurts that I am so dependent on people when people means small existences designed for small things.
And at this point I ask God, is this a blasphemy? Am I wrong in calling your creations small and am I prideful for looking down on them? And what do I do when I constantly make myself a slave to the same set of people and cannot help it?
And intuition tells me love is the solution. Jesus befriended the whores and the proles moreso than he did the erudite and the clergy. But like anything, easier said than done. This is one of the occasions where high standards hurt more than benefit. It is hard to love people when they seem so mindless, foolish, and small.
Small as fuckkkkk
2013. 3. 19.
Some ideas on adulthood
Being an adult is having less things to whine about and less people to whine to.
Being an adult is having less things to smile about and less people to smile with.
Being an adult is understanding that life is not fair, if fair means 1. having equal opportunities or 2. having equal outcomes.
Being an adult is understanding that love may be nothing but an alibi for sex or disapproval of loneliness, but still practicing it as if they aren't quite the case.
Being an adult is having theories get in the way of intuition.
Being an adult is having less excuses to make.
Being an adult is lying to parents for their own good as opposed to being told lies for our own good.
Being an adult...
Being an adult is having less things to smile about and less people to smile with.
Being an adult is understanding that life is not fair, if fair means 1. having equal opportunities or 2. having equal outcomes.
Being an adult is understanding that love may be nothing but an alibi for sex or disapproval of loneliness, but still practicing it as if they aren't quite the case.
Being an adult is having theories get in the way of intuition.
Being an adult is having less excuses to make.
Being an adult is lying to parents for their own good as opposed to being told lies for our own good.
Being an adult...
2013. 3. 15.
2013. 3. 14.
Shit
Years and years of introspection and I only recently concluded I am objectively a shitty person. Few compelling arguments for this include but are not limited to:
1. wastes talent
2. fears failure
3. self-pity
4. self-loathe
5. elitist for no good reason
6. fears disrespect
7. bad son, bad sibling
8. escapism
1. wastes talent
2. fears failure
3. self-pity
4. self-loathe
5. elitist for no good reason
6. fears disrespect
7. bad son, bad sibling
8. escapism
2013. 2. 20.
2013. 2. 18.
2013. 2. 13.
2013. 1. 27.
I eat alone
Eating alone has become a default and it seems that less and less people care about my well-being, which is understandable but undeniably tear-inducing. It saddens that my phone has demoted to operate as timepiece rather than a device of communication it once was.
I would think that I tried harder than others in many areas of life and gave more thought to matters that deserve it, but it seems that effort at well-being and higher thinking has little impact on its outcome. I actually have an idea on where my life turned south, but past is an area by itself. In theory, what I can change is the present, and I can go about this in a couple of ways, including self-kill.
The general idea of suicide has crossed my mind recently, but not to the degree where it actually matters. When I eat or smoke, the word just lands on me and lingers for a moment until I turn my attention to a newer thought. And after I am done thinking the newer thought, it reappears and sits on me for a bit and again, puff. I have no plans to end my life in such a way, but I think about it because I started to thoroughly understand how people come to make the decision.
A physics book is opened in front of me as I type this, waiting to be studied. But it will not receive the attention it asks for because I need attention more than the silent collection of pages. 3.7 grade point average. It could elevate to 3.8 or 3.9. Or maybe slide down to 3.6, 3.5. And this matters, really? Columbia Law? Medical school, or rap career? LSAT, MCAT, rhyme positioning? What the fuck man, I don't give a shit because I am thoroughly broken and I can't progress unfixed.
It's funny because I will not be repaired anytime soon. I have developed some variation of social phobia; meeting new people is literally difficult, and original people seem to have found their peace elsewhere, maybe on a lover's shoulder -- somewhere that isn't me. Frequent leaves of absence promoted this decline of social connection & interaction, and other factors have played out their purpose, I suppose. I am an introvert by nature, and I chose not to get out of my way to "keep in touch" with many people. So in a way I drove my own slope to disconnection.
Ah, loneliness. I dislike this word: lonely. It carries negative, loser-ish connotations that I would rather not associate myself with. But truth be told -- I am cursed with this dependence-dependent notion of feeling.
There is piano. Piano and marlboro have become my close friends this quarter. I feel at home when I drown in the notes my fingers lay out. Greatness suffocates. Breathlessness & willing suffocation numb weaknesses like loneliness and depression. Numbed, drunk, mad. I am not gifted with the talent of absolute pitch and thus can't play "by ear", but I am instead gifted with the joy of learning. In all ways, Piano is a gift.
My fingers come to play on another occasion. A foreign stick rests between two of more native ones, tainting the latter by imprinting a rather repulsive odor on them. If piano is a good friend, marlboro is a bad one. If piano is home, marlboro is a vacation -- a decadent one. They all say smoking is bad, and I think so too, but its one of the very few things that keep my side. It is here. No awkward phone call has to be made for its presence. No drama, no exchanges of pain.
In Illionaire Gang, Beenzino starts out with the line "I love my life, how bout you?" Fuck you Beenzino because my life is at its lowest point. It was never very lovely, but it was never this bad. I don't know what I can do about it, except prayer, which seldom leads to favorable answers according to my own measure of favorability. In my life, there were two occasions when I prayed desperately for something, but both of them had been shot down, and they have direct relation to my lowly status of the present.
I don't know, I don't know.
I would think that I tried harder than others in many areas of life and gave more thought to matters that deserve it, but it seems that effort at well-being and higher thinking has little impact on its outcome. I actually have an idea on where my life turned south, but past is an area by itself. In theory, what I can change is the present, and I can go about this in a couple of ways, including self-kill.
The general idea of suicide has crossed my mind recently, but not to the degree where it actually matters. When I eat or smoke, the word just lands on me and lingers for a moment until I turn my attention to a newer thought. And after I am done thinking the newer thought, it reappears and sits on me for a bit and again, puff. I have no plans to end my life in such a way, but I think about it because I started to thoroughly understand how people come to make the decision.
A physics book is opened in front of me as I type this, waiting to be studied. But it will not receive the attention it asks for because I need attention more than the silent collection of pages. 3.7 grade point average. It could elevate to 3.8 or 3.9. Or maybe slide down to 3.6, 3.5. And this matters, really? Columbia Law? Medical school, or rap career? LSAT, MCAT, rhyme positioning? What the fuck man, I don't give a shit because I am thoroughly broken and I can't progress unfixed.
It's funny because I will not be repaired anytime soon. I have developed some variation of social phobia; meeting new people is literally difficult, and original people seem to have found their peace elsewhere, maybe on a lover's shoulder -- somewhere that isn't me. Frequent leaves of absence promoted this decline of social connection & interaction, and other factors have played out their purpose, I suppose. I am an introvert by nature, and I chose not to get out of my way to "keep in touch" with many people. So in a way I drove my own slope to disconnection.
Ah, loneliness. I dislike this word: lonely. It carries negative, loser-ish connotations that I would rather not associate myself with. But truth be told -- I am cursed with this dependence-dependent notion of feeling.
There is piano. Piano and marlboro have become my close friends this quarter. I feel at home when I drown in the notes my fingers lay out. Greatness suffocates. Breathlessness & willing suffocation numb weaknesses like loneliness and depression. Numbed, drunk, mad. I am not gifted with the talent of absolute pitch and thus can't play "by ear", but I am instead gifted with the joy of learning. In all ways, Piano is a gift.
My fingers come to play on another occasion. A foreign stick rests between two of more native ones, tainting the latter by imprinting a rather repulsive odor on them. If piano is a good friend, marlboro is a bad one. If piano is home, marlboro is a vacation -- a decadent one. They all say smoking is bad, and I think so too, but its one of the very few things that keep my side. It is here. No awkward phone call has to be made for its presence. No drama, no exchanges of pain.
In Illionaire Gang, Beenzino starts out with the line "I love my life, how bout you?" Fuck you Beenzino because my life is at its lowest point. It was never very lovely, but it was never this bad. I don't know what I can do about it, except prayer, which seldom leads to favorable answers according to my own measure of favorability. In my life, there were two occasions when I prayed desperately for something, but both of them had been shot down, and they have direct relation to my lowly status of the present.
I don't know, I don't know.
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