변할 줄 알았는데
변한 것은 없어
만화는 지금도 재밌고
가질 수 없는 것들이 참 많아
2018. 11. 6.
2018. 4. 18.
2016. 11. 17.
2016. 10. 23.
2016. 10. 17.
Revelations 3:15-16
15 I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other!
16 So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.
16 So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.
2016. 7. 6.
Thoughts 7/6/16
#1
Recent research idea: when we engage in procrastination, we choose meaningful activities to substitute for the work undone, which is mediated by the level of guilt. The more people feel guilty about procrastination, the more they choose a meaningful activity as a substitute (writing diary entry vs. reading manga).
#2
It's hard to believe I will leave LA in about a month. I can't really imagine life in Chicago because I have lived here since 5h grade and I don't know how I will react/adopt to a new environment. I am excited but at the same time worry about solitude. I am a bit sad that I am officially finishing college life. I will miss living with roommates and talking about nostalgia of anime and future of rap music.
#3
Overall, I really enjoyed college because it was a breeze. I never worked hard and earned probably the best outcome I could have asked for, which I am sure was rewarded by God. I had a great 2 year relationship with a nice girl and told her about God. My faith grew as a Christian and am more conscientious about living as a follower of Jesus.
But it was not always so easy - during my first two years, I have hit points of rock bottoms of my life, liking a wrong girl and being forced to take breaks from school due to inpredictable greencard processing. Not many people know I was accepted to and was about to go to UBC in Canada. My time in Korea was lonely as well as the time I spent upom returning to school. I am naturally a shadow to loneliness - I often find myself pushing people away and being bad at making new connections. One benefit of solitude is search for self and deep-thinking, which probably contributed to building of a scholarly mind.
#4
Breaking up is really painful and I am not well. I don't really like talking about this to others because nobody really understands or cares, because each case is different and people have their own loads of struggles.
I think I was a good boyfriend overall but it bothers me that I did not give my 100 percent, especially towards the end when the fact that I will move to Chicago subconsciously affected my level of affection and care for her and the relationship. I guess I subconsciously started to make distance. I regret this a lot. I am trying to swallow this by trying to believe "God allowed this to happen."
#5
I am trying to be a more resilient person who is not easily irritated by things that are not very important but yet feel like they are. I am not sure to what extent personality traits like this could change. I guess nobody will know for sure. I wonder - what is the best method of trying to change a trait like this? My current approach is trying to catch moments when I am irritated and telling myself in those moments to try to not be bothered. Not sure if this will be successful.
Recent research idea: when we engage in procrastination, we choose meaningful activities to substitute for the work undone, which is mediated by the level of guilt. The more people feel guilty about procrastination, the more they choose a meaningful activity as a substitute (writing diary entry vs. reading manga).
#2
It's hard to believe I will leave LA in about a month. I can't really imagine life in Chicago because I have lived here since 5h grade and I don't know how I will react/adopt to a new environment. I am excited but at the same time worry about solitude. I am a bit sad that I am officially finishing college life. I will miss living with roommates and talking about nostalgia of anime and future of rap music.
#3
Overall, I really enjoyed college because it was a breeze. I never worked hard and earned probably the best outcome I could have asked for, which I am sure was rewarded by God. I had a great 2 year relationship with a nice girl and told her about God. My faith grew as a Christian and am more conscientious about living as a follower of Jesus.
But it was not always so easy - during my first two years, I have hit points of rock bottoms of my life, liking a wrong girl and being forced to take breaks from school due to inpredictable greencard processing. Not many people know I was accepted to and was about to go to UBC in Canada. My time in Korea was lonely as well as the time I spent upom returning to school. I am naturally a shadow to loneliness - I often find myself pushing people away and being bad at making new connections. One benefit of solitude is search for self and deep-thinking, which probably contributed to building of a scholarly mind.
#4
Breaking up is really painful and I am not well. I don't really like talking about this to others because nobody really understands or cares, because each case is different and people have their own loads of struggles.
I think I was a good boyfriend overall but it bothers me that I did not give my 100 percent, especially towards the end when the fact that I will move to Chicago subconsciously affected my level of affection and care for her and the relationship. I guess I subconsciously started to make distance. I regret this a lot. I am trying to swallow this by trying to believe "God allowed this to happen."
#5
I am trying to be a more resilient person who is not easily irritated by things that are not very important but yet feel like they are. I am not sure to what extent personality traits like this could change. I guess nobody will know for sure. I wonder - what is the best method of trying to change a trait like this? My current approach is trying to catch moments when I am irritated and telling myself in those moments to try to not be bothered. Not sure if this will be successful.
2016. 6. 6.
Thoughts 6/6/16
1. Is it possible for people to be happy without God? Living without God means being ok with sinning and enjoying the short term sweets while falling to long term traps (sloth to poverty, lust to broken relationships, greed to insatiaty, etc.). It's probably impossible to be happy without God becauae these consequences wear people down. Life is like a game - whoever realizes this (wisdom) sooner gets to be happy.
2. One of core teachings of Jesus is "love others." This is in my head a lot these days - there are actually brief moments when I feel like I love people as God loves them - I see people, strangers and friends, and notice their unique qualities, from apperance to personalities, and they seem lovely and just right. I want to say good things, make jokes, feel pleasant, and enjoy their company in these short moments.
I feel like I got closer to understanding the nature and feeling of loving others. But the problem is the process of replicating this to make it as close to being permanent as it is possible. Most of the times, I am not in this "love mood" and notice people's flaws or size them up, which is like the exact opposite of God's evaluation of his creations. This applies to my perception towards others and also myself. Not good enough. How narcissistic is this really, to disagree with the creator's own flawless evaluations?
I feel like I am not alone, and many people struggle with this, but it seems like nobody else is interested in love, even Christians. It seems like nobody even tries to love people, despite this being one of the most essential teachings of Jesus. I think loving people is one of the most efficient ways to move nonbelievers' hearts - a single word with love is far more persuasive than a loveless lecture on dangers of hell.
I am thankful that I have this much figured out, and I want to try to understand the process of love better so I could be a more permanently loving person. I think it's my ego that usually gets in the way of remaining in the state of unconditional love - pride seems like the opposite of love, rather than hate. Pride is self-serving, which is the opposite of love.
3. I was reading Tversky and Kahneman's wikipedia biography. The most immediate reaction was to feel inadequate - after all, Kahneman was good enough to win a nobel prize in economics as a psychologist. But I was reminded that they aren't THAT special. I could be like them if I am brave and take consistent steps towards a lofty, rewarding goal. It's so easy to see greatness and be discouraged by it. Rappers quit rap because of beenzino, but they should not. Beenzino only looks great because he is great right now, which is a horrible depiction of his entire trajectory of his career from his amateur days. When people see greatness, they tend to overpraise it to remove the emotional cost of envy and inadequacy by trying to expand the psychological distance between themselves and the posessor of greatness (my theory lolz). But we should battle against this and take a deeper look into the steps to greatness.
2. One of core teachings of Jesus is "love others." This is in my head a lot these days - there are actually brief moments when I feel like I love people as God loves them - I see people, strangers and friends, and notice their unique qualities, from apperance to personalities, and they seem lovely and just right. I want to say good things, make jokes, feel pleasant, and enjoy their company in these short moments.
I feel like I got closer to understanding the nature and feeling of loving others. But the problem is the process of replicating this to make it as close to being permanent as it is possible. Most of the times, I am not in this "love mood" and notice people's flaws or size them up, which is like the exact opposite of God's evaluation of his creations. This applies to my perception towards others and also myself. Not good enough. How narcissistic is this really, to disagree with the creator's own flawless evaluations?
I feel like I am not alone, and many people struggle with this, but it seems like nobody else is interested in love, even Christians. It seems like nobody even tries to love people, despite this being one of the most essential teachings of Jesus. I think loving people is one of the most efficient ways to move nonbelievers' hearts - a single word with love is far more persuasive than a loveless lecture on dangers of hell.
I am thankful that I have this much figured out, and I want to try to understand the process of love better so I could be a more permanently loving person. I think it's my ego that usually gets in the way of remaining in the state of unconditional love - pride seems like the opposite of love, rather than hate. Pride is self-serving, which is the opposite of love.
3. I was reading Tversky and Kahneman's wikipedia biography. The most immediate reaction was to feel inadequate - after all, Kahneman was good enough to win a nobel prize in economics as a psychologist. But I was reminded that they aren't THAT special. I could be like them if I am brave and take consistent steps towards a lofty, rewarding goal. It's so easy to see greatness and be discouraged by it. Rappers quit rap because of beenzino, but they should not. Beenzino only looks great because he is great right now, which is a horrible depiction of his entire trajectory of his career from his amateur days. When people see greatness, they tend to overpraise it to remove the emotional cost of envy and inadequacy by trying to expand the psychological distance between themselves and the posessor of greatness (my theory lolz). But we should battle against this and take a deeper look into the steps to greatness.
2016. 5. 4.
Curiosity
I don't want to call these research topics since that implies a result-oriented frame of thinking. I don't have any particular direction I prefer to take with these ideas - I am simply curious.
1. Some people do not care about spoilers. Some people are overly sensitive about spoilers. What makes people not care/care too much about being spoiled? And, to what extent are they right; by this, I mean do people who care a lot about not being spoiled really are critically affected by spoilers as they expect to be? Maybe people who hate spoilers will still enjoy movies they would enjoy without spoilers, even though they probably predict otherwise.
2. Curiosity is powerful. Most people would probably fuck a hot girl whom they have never seen a layer of skin of than a hot girl wearing skimpy clothes, and not only because of the stigmas or prude vs. slut but also because sexual curiosity is powerful. A good example is Japanese porn - actresses resort to filming no-mosaic videos when they fall off their peak. While shooting no-mosaic videos squeezes out more money in the short run, it is the fastest way for a porn actress to nose-dive into irrelevance. A big mission for idol girls, or all girls, is keeping the golden balance of piquing enough sexual curiosity while not being overexposed. A secret to long-run is staying mysterious.
3. Death. Death is a very interesting topic to me right now. One research question I have is whether perceived distance from death affects us behaviorally. For example, if we were to live only 40 years, just as humans have done in the past, would we live as we do now, fucking tinder sluts weekly and smoking weed to no limit? Evolutionarily, we have evolved to be uncomfortable with death, to live and plan like we will never die. Technology has made it even easier for us to ignore the concept of death - with all the medicine, technology, and the promise of exponentially improving technology throughout our lives, we can ignore death easier. That means we value every minute less. Things are often romantic only because we know they are transient. Romance has died.
4. Is it more effective for fat people to advertise food? It might make food seem more delicious, but fat people are often associated with negative images. For example, some brand chickens use idol girl groups, some use fat comedians.
5. Torrent and Netflix allows us to stack up on episodes of a series and watch them all at once - a marathon. Is it actually more fun if it's done this way? Maybe we expect it to be more fun to watch multiple anime episodes at once, but in reality, maybe watching one at a time is more fun. Maybe we are more satisfied watching all at once, but enjoy them less. This is related to #3, how short-livedness might contribute to quality or appreciation, something we probably oversee more than we should.
While writing this, I noticed that every one of these relates to the concept of time, except for #4.
1. Some people do not care about spoilers. Some people are overly sensitive about spoilers. What makes people not care/care too much about being spoiled? And, to what extent are they right; by this, I mean do people who care a lot about not being spoiled really are critically affected by spoilers as they expect to be? Maybe people who hate spoilers will still enjoy movies they would enjoy without spoilers, even though they probably predict otherwise.
2. Curiosity is powerful. Most people would probably fuck a hot girl whom they have never seen a layer of skin of than a hot girl wearing skimpy clothes, and not only because of the stigmas or prude vs. slut but also because sexual curiosity is powerful. A good example is Japanese porn - actresses resort to filming no-mosaic videos when they fall off their peak. While shooting no-mosaic videos squeezes out more money in the short run, it is the fastest way for a porn actress to nose-dive into irrelevance. A big mission for idol girls, or all girls, is keeping the golden balance of piquing enough sexual curiosity while not being overexposed. A secret to long-run is staying mysterious.
3. Death. Death is a very interesting topic to me right now. One research question I have is whether perceived distance from death affects us behaviorally. For example, if we were to live only 40 years, just as humans have done in the past, would we live as we do now, fucking tinder sluts weekly and smoking weed to no limit? Evolutionarily, we have evolved to be uncomfortable with death, to live and plan like we will never die. Technology has made it even easier for us to ignore the concept of death - with all the medicine, technology, and the promise of exponentially improving technology throughout our lives, we can ignore death easier. That means we value every minute less. Things are often romantic only because we know they are transient. Romance has died.
4. Is it more effective for fat people to advertise food? It might make food seem more delicious, but fat people are often associated with negative images. For example, some brand chickens use idol girl groups, some use fat comedians.
5. Torrent and Netflix allows us to stack up on episodes of a series and watch them all at once - a marathon. Is it actually more fun if it's done this way? Maybe we expect it to be more fun to watch multiple anime episodes at once, but in reality, maybe watching one at a time is more fun. Maybe we are more satisfied watching all at once, but enjoy them less. This is related to #3, how short-livedness might contribute to quality or appreciation, something we probably oversee more than we should.
While writing this, I noticed that every one of these relates to the concept of time, except for #4.
2015. 10. 1.
나무가 주는 그늘
나무가 주는 그늘은
건물이 주는 그늘과 달라서
나뭇잎과 나뭇가지 사이사이로,
바람과 햇빛의 궤도에 따라서
따스한 빛의 분포가 매순간 변한다.
다 같은 그늘이 아니다.
사람도 마찬가지다.
같은 성취를 이뤄도
그 방식과 그 성취를 받아들이는 사람의 취향에 따라
그 가치가 변한다.
나무가 주는 그늘과 같은
자연스럽고 유연한 사람이 되고 싶다.
그리고 그런 나를 알아주는 사람들이
나의 곁에 있으면 좋겠다.
The shade from a tree
Is different from that from a building
Because it allows holes of warm intrusions
That changes the pattern every second according to
The trajectory of sunlight and wind.
As such, not all shades are equal.
People are like this.
We are all humans,
But our characters, accomplishments, and the reception of them by others
Determine our worth.
I want to be a person like the shade from a tree,
Natural, colorful, and warm
And be surrounded by special ones
That could separate my shade from others
And remain with me
건물이 주는 그늘과 달라서
나뭇잎과 나뭇가지 사이사이로,
바람과 햇빛의 궤도에 따라서
따스한 빛의 분포가 매순간 변한다.
다 같은 그늘이 아니다.
사람도 마찬가지다.
같은 성취를 이뤄도
그 방식과 그 성취를 받아들이는 사람의 취향에 따라
그 가치가 변한다.
나무가 주는 그늘과 같은
자연스럽고 유연한 사람이 되고 싶다.
그리고 그런 나를 알아주는 사람들이
나의 곁에 있으면 좋겠다.
The shade from a tree
Is different from that from a building
Because it allows holes of warm intrusions
That changes the pattern every second according to
The trajectory of sunlight and wind.
As such, not all shades are equal.
People are like this.
We are all humans,
But our characters, accomplishments, and the reception of them by others
Determine our worth.
I want to be a person like the shade from a tree,
Natural, colorful, and warm
And be surrounded by special ones
That could separate my shade from others
And remain with me
2015. 9. 28.
Diamond 3
Gaming has always been one of my favorite hobbies not only because of its pure entertainment but perhaps more so because of its competitive nature. The true fun I chased was the glory of stomping others, taunting enemies, and barely walking out of a close duel with a sliver of health. League of Legends became the perfect avenue to fulfill my prideful ventures as it offered a role called AD Carry that perfectly suited my personality, requiring the me to be the most important late-game carry on a mission to rip through the health bars of enemy champions with ruthless mechanical deftness and style.
In my climb from Bronze 2 to Diamond 3, from top 86% to top 0.4%, and in my time devoted to this endeavor, I have had the chance to look deeper into myself, learning better my flaws and my potential.
The biggest takeaway was learning to put down my pride for a more productive mindset for reviewing mistakes and making adjustments accordingly. In life, the tendency to be wrongful is normal; all humans are guilty of some flaw, whether it is the tendency to be jealous, to be prideful, to be dishonest, or anything. There are evolutionary reasons behind each of the human flaws, but we should not misconstrue evolutionary explanations as moral righteousness. And ironically, these evolutionarily acceptable flaws stunt our growth.
This is where wisdom has to come in; wisdom is the heart to detect these flaws and commit willful overriding of them with more righteous, albeit more unnatural (assuming the wrongful tendencies are natural), directions. Playing this game has taught be how strong the natural inclination is for many people to blame their teammates and to shift responsibility, letting pride cloud their judgment. Rationally, League's matchmaking algorithms are flawless, and with enough games, people are statistically guaranteed to be placed in the tier that accurately mirrors their level of play. When pride joins the equation, however, people cannot take in their failure and turn to others, or luck, to blame. This is the average league player.
I admit -- I started at the same place as many other people who blame others for their own shortcoming. But maybe it was my desire for acquiring elite level skills, or maybe it was my intuitive grasp of righteousness that saved me. One day in Silver 5, I began to find flaws within my own plays, and with the realization that I am not as good as I think I am, I began to grow. Separating pride from myself exposed my weaknesses, and surprisingly, it felt right. It felt right because now it was consistent -- I was bad and I acknowledged that. Blaming teammates alleviates the moment's tension but leaves a taste of discomfort.
Looking up more efficient item builds, shadowing pros' mechanics, and analyzing challenger games, I found a very powerful sense of joyfulness. This process from Silver 5 to somewhere around Platinum was probably the most genuinely fun period of my playing, where I grew both as a gamer and a person. It is a very rewarding feeling when I know I actually am on a climb because I can immediate notice. Win-to-loss ratio becomes very patterned, something like losing 1 game every 3 games won. The few games I lose start not mattering because I know it can't stop the momentum. This momentum and the feeling that I cannot be stopped is a very raw, instinctual force. I can see it when Faker has it, the way he plays when he knows -- and I know -- that he cannot be stopped at that moment of unabated momentum. Of course he does it at a much higher level, but in its core, its the same raw sensation.
I went up all the way to Diamond 3. My ranking was now in four digits, meaning only few thousand people were better than me at this game. At times I was queued up with former pros and famous streamers. At this point, I could watch Korean pros play and understand the depth of their decisions and gaze in awe at the most subtle mechanical movements the average players cannot and will not ever notice. This is the blessing of being at an elite level -- it means having the privilege of delving into the most esoteric beauties that are off-limits to commoners. The 0.5 cm sidestep to position in a teamfight is a proxy to the hundreds of hours spent mastering the game, and knowing this gives an unmatched satisfaction.
Now I am done. I realized I will never be a Master (Top 500) or Challenger (Top 200), and spending time to reach upper Diamonds is not worth the amount of stress and effort I would need to invest. Playing at mid Diamond gave me a realization that for non-pro gamers, there is likely a sweet spot to stop trying harder, the ideal place of "quitting" where returns don't justify the investment. I hit my ceiling; I don't have what Faker has in himself.
I love this game and the LoL professional scene, and through playing this game and being an avid fan of e-Sports, I became a better person. I learned, on a broad level, how confronting and challenging myself leads to real tangible and mental rewards. At the end, I learned what it's like to feel human, to feel good, to feel like a diamond.
The biggest takeaway was learning to put down my pride for a more productive mindset for reviewing mistakes and making adjustments accordingly. In life, the tendency to be wrongful is normal; all humans are guilty of some flaw, whether it is the tendency to be jealous, to be prideful, to be dishonest, or anything. There are evolutionary reasons behind each of the human flaws, but we should not misconstrue evolutionary explanations as moral righteousness. And ironically, these evolutionarily acceptable flaws stunt our growth.
This is where wisdom has to come in; wisdom is the heart to detect these flaws and commit willful overriding of them with more righteous, albeit more unnatural (assuming the wrongful tendencies are natural), directions. Playing this game has taught be how strong the natural inclination is for many people to blame their teammates and to shift responsibility, letting pride cloud their judgment. Rationally, League's matchmaking algorithms are flawless, and with enough games, people are statistically guaranteed to be placed in the tier that accurately mirrors their level of play. When pride joins the equation, however, people cannot take in their failure and turn to others, or luck, to blame. This is the average league player.
I admit -- I started at the same place as many other people who blame others for their own shortcoming. But maybe it was my desire for acquiring elite level skills, or maybe it was my intuitive grasp of righteousness that saved me. One day in Silver 5, I began to find flaws within my own plays, and with the realization that I am not as good as I think I am, I began to grow. Separating pride from myself exposed my weaknesses, and surprisingly, it felt right. It felt right because now it was consistent -- I was bad and I acknowledged that. Blaming teammates alleviates the moment's tension but leaves a taste of discomfort.
Looking up more efficient item builds, shadowing pros' mechanics, and analyzing challenger games, I found a very powerful sense of joyfulness. This process from Silver 5 to somewhere around Platinum was probably the most genuinely fun period of my playing, where I grew both as a gamer and a person. It is a very rewarding feeling when I know I actually am on a climb because I can immediate notice. Win-to-loss ratio becomes very patterned, something like losing 1 game every 3 games won. The few games I lose start not mattering because I know it can't stop the momentum. This momentum and the feeling that I cannot be stopped is a very raw, instinctual force. I can see it when Faker has it, the way he plays when he knows -- and I know -- that he cannot be stopped at that moment of unabated momentum. Of course he does it at a much higher level, but in its core, its the same raw sensation.
I went up all the way to Diamond 3. My ranking was now in four digits, meaning only few thousand people were better than me at this game. At times I was queued up with former pros and famous streamers. At this point, I could watch Korean pros play and understand the depth of their decisions and gaze in awe at the most subtle mechanical movements the average players cannot and will not ever notice. This is the blessing of being at an elite level -- it means having the privilege of delving into the most esoteric beauties that are off-limits to commoners. The 0.5 cm sidestep to position in a teamfight is a proxy to the hundreds of hours spent mastering the game, and knowing this gives an unmatched satisfaction.
Now I am done. I realized I will never be a Master (Top 500) or Challenger (Top 200), and spending time to reach upper Diamonds is not worth the amount of stress and effort I would need to invest. Playing at mid Diamond gave me a realization that for non-pro gamers, there is likely a sweet spot to stop trying harder, the ideal place of "quitting" where returns don't justify the investment. I hit my ceiling; I don't have what Faker has in himself.
I love this game and the LoL professional scene, and through playing this game and being an avid fan of e-Sports, I became a better person. I learned, on a broad level, how confronting and challenging myself leads to real tangible and mental rewards. At the end, I learned what it's like to feel human, to feel good, to feel like a diamond.
2015. 9. 16.
2015. 5. 15.
2015. 5. 3.
Type of girl
예전에 한 여자를 좋아했었지.
난 마음이 표정에 잘 들어나는 사람이라 분명 티가 안나진 않았을텐데
전혀 모르는 듯,
애가 타게끔 나를 휘둘렀지.
장난도 잘 받아주고, 생글생글 잘 웃어주고,
아무 거리낌 없는 스킨쉽까지.
난 고심끝에 고백을 했고,
그 애는 친구를 잃기 싫다는
상당히 지루하고 맥빠지는 거절을 했는데
그건 당연히 말도 안되는 변명이고,
그저 내가 성에 안찼던 거겠지.
웃기는 건, 이 여자는 은근히 내가 자신을 계속 좋아하길 원했던 거 같아.
뭐, 사랑받는 걸 싫어할 여자는 없을테지만.
그렇다 쳐도 궁금한게
이 여자가 얼마나 솔직했고 어디까지가 "여우짓"이였는지.
밝은 미소와 거리낌 없는 스킨쉽이 본인의 천성이였는지,
아니면 자신을 좋아하게끔 설계한 장치들이였는지.
뜬금없이 이게 생각난건 최근에 내 친구도 비슷한 유형의 여자를 좋아하고 있었다는걸 깨닳았거든. 고백을 거절한 후에도 계속 당기는 여자.
여담이지만, 난 이게 참 이기적이라고 생각해. 친구를 잃기 싫어? 남자는 고백하기 전에 수백 번 고민하고, 결국 친구를 잃을 각오로 용기내어 고백을 하는데 그딴 말도안되는 변명은 남자의 진심에 대한 예의가 아니지. 어장은 고백 전 까지만 하고, 만약 "거절"이란 선택을 했으면 그에 걸맡는 책임을 지어야지. 어장에서 풀어주고, 보내줘야지.
물론 남자 탓도 있지. 내 친구나 나나 고백에서 거절을 당한 후에도 이 여자의 어장이라면 어장이라도 좋다라고 생각했으니까.
지금 생각해보니까 그 당시의 나는 참 찌질했구나. 가엽도록.
다시 본론으로 돌아가서,
난 여우같은 여자를 좋아해본 적이 없고 좋아했던 여자들은 항상 "곰"같은 여자들이였는데
이 여자도 예외는 아니였지. 곰 같은 여자.
곰 같은 여자가 그런 여우같은 짓들을 하는게 가능한가?
자신을 좋아하게 끔 웃고, 문자하고, 손이 부딪히는게?
이제 절대로 알 수 없겠지. 그 당시에 더 유심히 관찰했으면 좋았을 걸.
그 빌어먹을 콩깍지 때문에 그럴 여유도 없었지. 너무 좋았으니까.
넌 곰이였니, 여우였니?
이건 질문이 좀 웃긴가.
난 진심이였어.
넌 진심이였니?
난 마음이 표정에 잘 들어나는 사람이라 분명 티가 안나진 않았을텐데
전혀 모르는 듯,
애가 타게끔 나를 휘둘렀지.
장난도 잘 받아주고, 생글생글 잘 웃어주고,
아무 거리낌 없는 스킨쉽까지.
난 고심끝에 고백을 했고,
그 애는 친구를 잃기 싫다는
상당히 지루하고 맥빠지는 거절을 했는데
그건 당연히 말도 안되는 변명이고,
그저 내가 성에 안찼던 거겠지.
웃기는 건, 이 여자는 은근히 내가 자신을 계속 좋아하길 원했던 거 같아.
뭐, 사랑받는 걸 싫어할 여자는 없을테지만.
그렇다 쳐도 궁금한게
이 여자가 얼마나 솔직했고 어디까지가 "여우짓"이였는지.
밝은 미소와 거리낌 없는 스킨쉽이 본인의 천성이였는지,
아니면 자신을 좋아하게끔 설계한 장치들이였는지.
뜬금없이 이게 생각난건 최근에 내 친구도 비슷한 유형의 여자를 좋아하고 있었다는걸 깨닳았거든. 고백을 거절한 후에도 계속 당기는 여자.
여담이지만, 난 이게 참 이기적이라고 생각해. 친구를 잃기 싫어? 남자는 고백하기 전에 수백 번 고민하고, 결국 친구를 잃을 각오로 용기내어 고백을 하는데 그딴 말도안되는 변명은 남자의 진심에 대한 예의가 아니지. 어장은 고백 전 까지만 하고, 만약 "거절"이란 선택을 했으면 그에 걸맡는 책임을 지어야지. 어장에서 풀어주고, 보내줘야지.
물론 남자 탓도 있지. 내 친구나 나나 고백에서 거절을 당한 후에도 이 여자의 어장이라면 어장이라도 좋다라고 생각했으니까.
지금 생각해보니까 그 당시의 나는 참 찌질했구나. 가엽도록.
다시 본론으로 돌아가서,
난 여우같은 여자를 좋아해본 적이 없고 좋아했던 여자들은 항상 "곰"같은 여자들이였는데
이 여자도 예외는 아니였지. 곰 같은 여자.
곰 같은 여자가 그런 여우같은 짓들을 하는게 가능한가?
자신을 좋아하게 끔 웃고, 문자하고, 손이 부딪히는게?
이제 절대로 알 수 없겠지. 그 당시에 더 유심히 관찰했으면 좋았을 걸.
그 빌어먹을 콩깍지 때문에 그럴 여유도 없었지. 너무 좋았으니까.
넌 곰이였니, 여우였니?
이건 질문이 좀 웃긴가.
난 진심이였어.
넌 진심이였니?
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