As I took time reading
the Steve Jobs biography, I came to look back on my life's
progression as well as all the shortcomings that pertinaciously revolved
around it. In all objectivity, I have failed in many stages in life - sometimes
as a student, other times as a son, and mostly as a human being.
I don't know since when, but I've been building my set of values
around the rewards rather than the process. I used to pride myself in
collecting a handful of A's from the in-class essays on the works of literature
that I never read. I considered them a heck of an achievement and I gave a pat
on my head for its staggering cerebral output. I guess the pride was a
byproduct of my subconscious and furtive effort to compensate for the obvious
laziness I practiced.
I was nurturing this sort of evil inside me. Soon enough it grew
an alphabet in front of its label. Devil! In his spell, I became a sort of paradox - embracing the very values that
I frequently voiced against. Conforming to societal values is rubbish, I would
say, while peeking at the pert Porsche driving by - eyeballs
sparkling with admiration. Or I would spit out derogatory remarks about the
simple minds, as I simply grade-grubbed in classes to write out a convincing report
card. Process meant little, and the creature taught me all the ways to
rationalize my foolish attitude and doings.
Process matters, I realize, because outward display or
accomplishment merely projects an empty shell - a void. And credited outcome
almost always shadows the process; this time, the display is full and
supported. As I take true pride in making sound accomplishments, I am exempt
from worrying about facing my insecurities.
And there is talent, which is both a
blessing and a curse. I am talented, so this is important. Talent is a curse
because it makes laziness more affordable and convincing. It permits and
persuades the talented to do less to achieve equal, and stop. "Wait a minute," The talented
thinks to himself. “Wow, I can do so little, still place at 95th
percentile. I’ll have fun taking astronomical shits on the hustling proles.” In
essence, it puts a cap to one’s potential, and whispers “enough.”
Talent is a blessing because it is designed
to give one greatness, which is off-limits to proles. While proles with effort
can achieve some level of success – say top 5% - they weren’t chosen to achieve
more than that. Life is a fair game because effort itself allows for an
adequate level of success, and since greatness is mere extravagance to most, the
deal is fair. But, I am talented, so by default I am burdened with the
expectation to be great, to take a step further, and to explore more than the
ungifted. The expectation is pleasant and fair, I feel.
So about Steve Jobs. Jobs inspired me because he was not driven by
profits but by his motivation to make insanely great products. This is such a
poor and cheap summary of the feelings and lessons I got from the book, but I
can’t properly spell out the entire experience either, so I guess this post somewhat does
justice to my reflections.
I noticed I started out this post with a
negative note. Being the mercurial guy I am, my mood had a turn and I feel that
while I had some faults and may still do, my redirection and the fruitful
results of life waiting ahead seem to be more than sufficient in forgiving
myself. And eh, I probably will still grade grub a little and have
hypocritical tendencies, but I am more aware of myself and won’t ever let myself corrupt down to my roots. Funny, I feel like a fucking optimist.
