Hmm

As I took time reading the Steve Jobs biography, I came to look back on my life's progression as well as all the shortcomings that pertinaciously revolved around it. In all objectivity, I have failed in many stages in life - sometimes as a student, other times as a son, and mostly as a human being.

I don't know since when, but I've been building my set of values around the rewards rather than the process. I used to pride myself in collecting a handful of A's from the in-class essays on the works of literature that I never read. I considered them a heck of an achievement and I gave a pat on my head for its staggering cerebral output. I guess the pride was a byproduct of my subconscious and furtive effort to compensate for the obvious laziness I practiced.

I was nurturing this sort of evil inside me. Soon enough it grew an alphabet in front of its label. Devil! In his spell, I became a sort of paradox - embracing the very values that I frequently voiced against. Conforming to societal values is rubbish, I would say, while peeking at the pert Porsche driving by - eyeballs sparkling with admiration. Or I would spit out derogatory remarks about the simple minds, as I simply grade-grubbed in classes to write out a convincing report card. Process meant little, and the creature taught me all the ways to rationalize my foolish attitude and doings.

Process matters, I realize, because outward display or accomplishment merely projects an empty shell - a void. And credited outcome almost always shadows the process; this time, the display is full and supported. As I take true pride in making sound accomplishments, I am exempt from worrying about facing my insecurities.

And there is talent, which is both a blessing and a curse. I am talented, so this is important. Talent is a curse because it makes laziness more affordable and convincing. It permits and persuades the talented to do less to achieve equal, and stop. "Wait a minute," The talented thinks to himself. “Wow, I can do so little, still place at 95^th percentile. I’ll have fun taking astronomical shits on the hustling proles.” In essence, it puts a cap to one’s potential, and whispers “enough.”

Talent is a blessing because it is designed to give one greatness, which is off-limits to proles. While proles with effort can achieve some level of success – say top 5% - they weren’t chosen to achieve more than that. Life is a fair game because effort itself allows for an adequate level of success, and since greatness is mere extravagance to most, the deal is fair. But, I am talented, so by default I am burdened with the expectation to be great, to take a step further, and to explore more than the ungifted. The expectation is pleasant and fair, I feel.

So about Steve Jobs. Jobs inspired me because he was not driven by profits but by his motivation to make insanely great products. This is such a poor and cheap summary of the feelings and lessons I got from the book, but I can’t properly spell out the entire experience either, so I guess this post somewhat does justice to my reflections.

I noticed I started out this post with a negative note. Being the mercurial guy I am, my mood had a turn and I feel that while I had some faults and may still do, my redirection and the fruitful results of life waiting ahead seem to be more than sufficient in forgiving myself. And eh, I probably will still grade grub a little and have hypocritical tendencies, but I am more aware of myself and won’t ever let myself corrupt down to my roots. Funny, I feel like a fucking optimist.