무슨

금방이라도 울어버릴 것 같은 눈을 하고있는 너에게
내가 무슨 말을 해?

Feel

How I feel these days:

Nothing matters. Nil. Nihilism, maybe.
Everything is so fragile and vulnerable.
Glass shatters, raining shards, the broken pieces.
I am a broken piece, a fragment.
I fake it. I fake normalcy, I fake convention.
But God knows I break.
Just a paper cut and I bleed glass fragments.
I bleed me, losing me, dying me.
But nothing matters. Nil. Nihilism, maybe.

Korea #1

The Starbucks cashiers were selling coffees worth double their hourly paycheck. The "no smoking" sign just outside the coffeeshop was made opaque by the thick curtains of marlboro puffs. High school clones in the same NorthFace mountain-wear, playing chimneys. Welcome to Korea.

I was strolling down the main alley of MyoungDong. I nonchalantly passed by a plastic twin or two, who must have paid costly visits to the same medical office and perhaps the same surgical room as well, and walked a bit more before entering a branch of Smoothie King for an exposure to matter slightly more natural than silicon noses.

"어서 오십시요, 행복한 스무디킹 입니다."

The greeting message was muttered by a young man in pink apron, most certainly not meaning the words he phrased, telling by the digital ringing of decibels not a bit more natural than the medical faces I've encountered some minutes ago. The auto-tune did damage to my eardrums -- Well, I am only here for a cup of mango madness.

"미친 망고 하나 주세요. 라지 사이즈로."

Taking a sip from the 16 ounce of icy madness, I grabbed a seat by the window. People. Ants. Ants. People. Madness. I stared at the people too busy to hold the door for the following person. Perhaps they are busy people with big businesses and big ambitions to take care of. But when I realized the same set of people wait in line for hours to see SNSD's comeback concert, I wasn't too sure.

Before they froze, my hands tossed the half finished drink into trash. I left Smoothie Ki

...

딱히

문득 내가 한심하다는 생각이 들었고
화가 났고
벽을 쳤지만
딱히 나아지진 않았다.

그냥 이렇게라도

난 이상한 애고
망가진 애고
너가 이런 날 싫어하는 만큼
나도 이런 내가 싫고
근데 그래도 나도 사람이니까
원하는 것도 많고
이루고 싶은 것도 있고
좋아하는 것도 있고
그러니까
계속 사는거지
이대로 살기 싫다는 생각은 자주 하지만
그래도 사는거지 그냥 이렇게라도
그냥 이렇게라도

Hairstyle

사랑이란 어쩌면
그 사람의 헤어스타일이 상관 없어지는,
뭐 그런 단순한 것인지도 모른다는 생각이 들었다.

#좋아보여

Quits and Plans and more

I quit nicotine
I quit facebook
I plan to quit people, save the closest and most trusted ones.

I plan to pick up music again, but it's a catch-22 since I derive my musical energy from relationships with people of variety and all the imperfections that come out of them.

I quit dreaming a while back actually and my rationale is that I am not confident. I am not confident I will find meaning. Because I think that for it to have anything that looks like meaning, it has to have influence and communication. I have no groundbreaking technique or style to offer and knowing the Korean audience, I know only a select few would have the ears to fully appreciate my greatness.

I plan to practice medicine. Law is a boring job with dreamless people. If I can't dream myself, I at least wish to be surrounded by those who do. Medicine is a richer field with more pursuit of meaning and more impressive people. And impressive people impress me, and I like being impressed because I rarely am. Maybe it's the cost of attending a middling school like my own, but there's that.

I am in the process of quitting arrogance. Korea has been almost cruelly humbling because it has taught me how dependent I am. It's actually very hard to land a tutoring job without the Korean mom networking. I expected my elite English status (at least in Korea) to let me turn down solid-paying jobs left and right, but surprisingly, no. And I am scared to get jobs at McDonalds or Lotteria because I am bad at listening to directions and consequently very convinced I would fuck up while wrapping a burger or doing the dishes. Yes, I have no serviceable skill.

And I have to admit -- I am lonely. And Korea perpetuates loneliness. It does this by 1. The average person being so fucking dumb (as in their values, perspectives, etc) and boring, 2. All the couples performing lovey dovey bullshit out there, 3. The media being a truly exhausting source of mindlessness and sin.

Of course, loneliness extends to cynicism. Cynicism and depression go together. So I am constantly reminded of how lonely I am and how jobless I am and thus how worthless I am. I would expect that this is actually untrue and would like to think myself as potentially very influential, promising, and valuable. But it's difficult to see things in brighter light when all I see are pieces of feces floating around everywhere. And through this I notice how visuals are so important and influential -- you are what you see. People here are generally dumb because they see dumb things growing up.

Anyway, I am a sorry ass cynic locked up in my house, pressing on mmmmmmmmm to add more marines to my troop and eagerly right clicking to give these armed fools a sense of direction that I can't seem to provide for myself.

And I haven't used English in such a long time. I feel my speech and writing have deteriorated considerably, which I hope would get back in shape once I return to the states.

Positive Explosion

마음 강하게 먹고
감사하면서
내일을 보는게 아니라
5년, 10년 후를 보면서
감사하면서
나 자신에게 잘해주면서
좌절하지 말고
우울해 하지 말고
열씸히
감사하면서
살자

씨발년아

꿈이 있으면 계속 꾸세요
꿈이 없으면 돈이라도 버세요
꿈도 없고 돈도 못 벌면
그냥 죽어 씨발 병신새끼야

Poetry

Dream Song 14 by John Berryman

Life, friends, is boring. We must not say so.
After all, the sky flashes, the great sea yearns,
we ourselves flash and yearn,
and moreover my mother told me as a boy
(repeatingly) "Ever to confess you're bored
means you have no

Inner Resources." I conclude now I have no
inner resources, because I am heavy bored. Peoples bore me,
literature bores me, especially great literature,
Henry bores me, with his plights & gripes
as bad as Achilles,

who loves people and valiant art, which bores me.
And the tranquil hills, & gin, look like a drag
and somehow a dog
has taken itself & its tail considerably away
into the mountains or sea or sky, leaving
behind: me, wag.

Hamartia

밑바닥 입니다.
모든일이 잘 안풀립니다.
혼자 보내는 시간이 많고
할 수 있는 일이 없고
제 가치를 증명할 수단도 없습니다.
지금 전 바라는 것도 없고
지킬 수 있는 것도 없고
흩어져 가는 모든 것,
떨어져 가는 모든 것들을
잡을 힘도, 능력도 없습니다.
자존심, 욕심을 버립니다.
믿었던 모든 건 절 배신했고
만신창이가 된 지금
내가 얼마나 비참하게 쓰러질 수 있는지
직접 확인 했습니다.
조용히, 물 흐르듯이 살겠습니다.
기회가 된다면
저도 보통사람 만큼만
딱 그만큼만 살고 싶네요.
저의 발버둥은 이렇게 막을 내립니다.
감사합니다.

Remap

에픽하이 4집을 다시 듣는다
좋다

빼빼로 데이

좋아하는 사람한테 빼빼로를 줘 보세요
왜? 좋아하니까.
그치만 그 사람의 마음을 바라진 마세요
그냥 좋아하니까 주세요 좋아하니까.
좋아해서 그 사람이 좋아하는 마음을 똑같이 돌려주길 기대하지 마세요.
바라지 마세요
그냥 좋아하니까 주세요.
그저 그뿐이라면 괜찮아요
괜찮아요

Value

Here is my updated set of values.


Things that count are relationships, family, God, resume, and cash.

Things that sort of count are memories, dreams, dogs, music, poetry, and greatness.

Things that do not count are emotions and most people.



Sent from Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1

횡단보도

횡단보도에 멈춰설 때면
잊고 있던 약속이 생각나듯
생각이 나서
그 생각에 붙들려 
머뭇거리다
파란불로 바뀌어서
남들이 건너기 시작할 때쯤
나도 따라 걷곤 하지

저주

살아있는게 저주라고 느낄 때는

어느 누구의 잘못도 아닌데

아픔이 생기고 상처가 생길 때.

Quest

내 행복을 가로막는 3가지 일들이 있다.

난 이 것들을 부셔버릴 예정이다.

비켜

ㅈㄲ ㅆㅂㄻ

노래 대박

노래 대박

윤정 - 비처럼

행복

음악 들으면서 책 읽고
저녁엔 친구 만나고
행복이 뭔진 몰라도 이 정도면 괜찮다 싶다.

4

씨발 블로그 안해

dame mitcape

최고

난 최고다
난 최고다

Greatness

위대함은 숨막힌다.

Greatness suffocates.

행복

너는 이미 다른 공간에서 행복을 찾은거야. 거기는 내가 갈 수 없는 곳이야. 내 행복은 이제 너일 수 없는거야.

-Sanchez

하늘

하늘이 무너져버렸으면 좋겠다

조금 더 공평한 세상이 될까봐

사랑해

i love you
i love you
do i have to say it twice for you to believe it?

사랑해 사랑해
이렇게 두번 말해야 믿겠니?

말이 그렇다는 거지

너 생각이 날때면
공부를 하는 편이지
널 대리러 갈때
조금 더 멋진 모습이 되어있을까봐
이 원리대로 라면
매일, 하루종일 공부를 해야 맞는데
그건 또 아니지만
말이 그렇다는 거지
마음이 그렇다는 거지

인생

인생 별거 없다.

좋은 음식,
좋은 음악,
좋은 사람.

끝

랩

랩 곡들을 만드는 건 즐거운 일이다.
내가 살아있었다는 증거가 되기도 하고
내가 생각을 하면서 살아왔다는 증거가 되기도 하고
내가 감정을 느끼면서 사람답게 살아왔다는 증거가 되기도 한다.
물론 전문적인 차원에서 부족함을 느끼기도 하지만
발전에 발전을 거듭하면서 더 신선하고 맛깔나게 내 생각들과 감정들을 표현한다는 건 참으로 즐겁고 감사할 일이다.
랩은 절대 내 전부가 될 수는 없을 것 같지만 언제나 옆에있고 앞으로도 쭈욱 옆에있을 나와 잘 맞는 좋은 벗인 것 같다.

회사

참 이상한 회사였습니다.
면접을 보러 갔는데
면접관은 제 학력과 이력은 본채만채 했고
즐거운 면접이였다며 저를 집으로 돌려 보냈죠.
면접에 떨어진 저는 하염없이 울었고
지금까지 울고 있습니다.
나쁜 회사.

Heaven

I am living heaven, a crystal heaven so fragile that might anytime crack itself into a spider web mosaic. This is exactly what I have asked for, but I just don't know what to do with this transient beauty. Spellbound, clueless.

You are my heaven. Is this trite? The truth is often too trite, so have a listen anyway. You are heaven, a property of your own. I can't complete you nor imprint my existence onto your ethereal kingdom, but you complete me and it just might be all I need. Undeserved transient eternity.

Spring, the blossom. Petals in spiral, dancing and dancing. Music, art, poetry. Street bards spilling obscurity. Red bricks and lipsticks. Lonely cul de sac, patiently awaiting intrusion.

You are my hell. Curtains catching on fire in the absence of smoke alarm. Extinguishers out of powder, jungles of flares untamed. Destruction, turbulence, gravity. Scream. Lovescream.

Ah, the knowledge. Fear, hope, and futility. Scenes and cuts passing by. Fast. Death. Heaven collapses.

천국

나의 작은 천국.
금세 먼지 덮힐까 두려운 천국.
살얼음 위 거미줄처럼 금이갈까봐 두려운 천국.
그래도 지금만큼은 내 전부인 천국.
천국

살얼음

이 살얼음같은 행복이

꽉 잡으면 부서질까봐

안 잡으면 녹아버릴까봐

죽겠다

돈

그냥 돈이나 존나 벌어
정승처럼 쓰면서 미친 개처럼 벌어
벌어
존나 벌어

Diary Post

Diary Post 8-5-12

Today, I woke up to Honghan's enthusiastic screams celebrating South Korea's first goal against Great Britain. Still half asleep, I grabbed a chair and joined on watching the Olympics game and cheering for our players. Today's victory was a pleasant surprise and my lack of expectation made it even better. I hope the Korean team will seize a medal to get themselves exempt from mandatory servitude in the army.

Then Edward came over and we went to get late lunch at Chipotle. My indecisiveness put me into dilemma when choosing between steak and chicken. Curiosity won out and for the first time I tried chicken. It was not all that good but it would be selfish of me to expect a delectable meal from a fastfood franchise. The rationalization made me feel ok munching on the mediocre burrito.

Then I napped. I had a weird dream of conversing with my Southeast Asian Studies professor. I guess I have been insecure about my recent submission of paper on K-pop's influence on Southeast Asia.

Amy and Mia's visit interrupted my short slumber. Hi guys. We drank as if drinking is not illegal. Honghan and Mia got competitive against each other and Mia lost. Or for the sake of euphemism I guess I could say Honghan won. Both were plastered and Mia artistically verified her loss by spraying puddles of fluid from her gastrointestical tract. Shit, the microbiology class is fucking with my diction.

Here I am now, pondering on life again. Lack of choice kills me, and having no control over life's unfolding makes me irate. Ah. I am shattered.

충치

시간은 충치다.
충치는 생긴 후 이를 열씸히 닦는다고 없어지지 않는다.
충치가 생기기 전에 하루하루 관리해서 예방해야 한다.
한번 흘러간 시간이 돌아오지 않듯.
시간은 지나가기 전엔 그 의미를 가늠하기 힘들다.
하루하루 빠듯히 써야 한다.
시간.
충치.
시간.
충치.

Killer

만약. 혹시. 설마.
사람을 죽이는 말들.

괜찮아

완벽하다고 해주실 필요는 없어요

그저 괜찮다고 해주세요, 괜찮다고.

같은 거짓이라도 조금 덜 거짓인 것이 나으니까.

김인재

안녕하세요 김인재 입니다.
영문학과이지만 책은 별로 안읽는 편입니다. 쓰는건 좋아합니다.
헤밍웨이 처럼 쓰고싶지만 피츠제롤드 처럼 읽히고 싶습니다.
랩 하는 걸 즐기지만 직업으로 삼을 생각은 없습니다. 고등학교 땐 나름 꿈이였지만...
빨간색하고 회색 좋아합니다. 노란색 싫어하고 녹색도 싫어합니다.
이상형은 책 읽는 여자인데 털털한 여자도 좋습니다.
담배는 밴슨이나 팔리아맨트를 선호하지만 말보로도 가끔 펴줍니다. 싼맛에.
술은 잘 못하지만 분위기는 좋아합니다. 주량은 소주 한병정도?
무식한거랑 무시당하는거 싫어합니다.
미들 차일드라서 성취욕이 강한편이고 허세 좋아합니다.
감정 컨트롤 잘 못하고 무슨 일 있으면 얼굴에 써놓고 다닙니다.
정이 많은 편이라 동물 좋아합니다. 코알라나 뭐 그런거... 펭귄도 괜찮고...
싸가지가 없는건 아니지만 싸가지 없다고 오해 많이 받습니다.
상처 잘 주는 만큼 상처 잘 받습니다.
감정몰입 잘합니다. 드라마 보면서 멋있는 대사 따라하기가 취미입니다.
사실 조금만 더 잘생겼으면 배우해도 잘 했을텐데. 그래도 딱히 아쉽진 않습니다.
비 좋아합니다. 가수 말고 내리는 거.
꿈은 없지만 변호사 한다고 말하고 다닙니다. 머리는 좋은거 같은데.
야동 취향은... 음...
좋아하는 음료는 콜라. 싫어하는 음식은 오이. 편식 잘합니다. 시금치도 싫고...
안녕하세요 김인재 입니다.

Stream of Consciousness-esque Drivel

Stream of Consciousness-esque drivel.

Am I supposed to give a fuck about what others think? If I were to follow intuition and assume no, then what the fuck do I want? If I don't give a fuck about others, what is it that I give a fuck about? It often seems as if what society values coincide with what I value. Like, prestige. The confusing part would be whether I genuinely seek prestige or whether this seed of value was planted in me by an external force.

What the fuck is love? Scientists might call it hormone or chemical, artists might call it rose. Why does this thing hurt people? The overdose, the thorns. Why does it warp reality the way it does? Love is like manicure. It ebbs away and gets replaced by a new shade of color, or a new person. Love is also a boomerang in that it goes and comes back. Usually the returned boomerang is attributed to a different person. There is no eternal love, save the one for marriage. & maybe also the one from God and for God.

Mental illness is actually pretty fucking common. Psychopaths are literally fucking everywhere. Psychopaths are more advanced creatures - one could argue - because emotion more often than not gets in the way of rational thinking and hinders the process of judgment. lol @ the irony of evolution. + I may have a minor case of schizophrenia. Sometimes I catch myself talking to myself and am like wtf. but its no big deal. it's kind of cool actually, I think.

People apparently like my music, my rap. I like it too but not sure on the extent. Music making comes really easy when the right feel enters my mind & soul - when the feel is very clear and defined. Like when I receive a diss from a nubcake, I feel like I have to impale that fucker in the ass with some potent ass rhymes. Or when I fall in love or get hurt by it, I feel like I have to get that shit out in some concrete, or abstract, form like music. And then I execute that shit and get it exported and bam. Upload. The high from accomplishment usually lingers for a good day or two. And then it's like, "Oh, that was alright. But it didn't really scratch my back." Music does not really ease the problem and sometimes even deepens the wound. Music kind of sucks and it is not all that great. But it's something I can do and one of the only things I can do right.

화

아 씨발

장마

http://soundcloud.com/jokre/r3tinojstzoz

장마

여름이 지날 때 쯤 그치겠지

시간이 지날수록 편히 숨쉬겠지

의미 없이 왔다 갔다 반복하는 시계추

조차 결국엔 죽은 듯이 멈추겠지

날씨는 화창한데 너가 장마인듯해

몰아치듯 쉴새 없이 내리는 넌 이곳에

칼날 같은 빗줄기들. 내 심장을 때리고

우산도 없어, 옷보다 마음만 다 배리고.

날 대리고 가달라는 말은 차마 못했어

난 바본 아니니까, 너의 머리 속에서

걸어다니는 그 사람이 내가 아닌걸 난 알아

웃기는 말이지만 그 새낀 참 좋겠어

혼자 하는듯해. 나 혼자 아는듯해

나 혼자 사랑하고 혼자 이별하는 듯해

한순간에 놓을 수는 없는거야 알지

머리 나쁜 너지만 그 정도는 알지?

여름이 지날 때 쯤 너도 그치겠지

시간이 지날수록 더 편히 숨쉬겠지

의미 없이 왔다 갔다 반복하는 시계추

조차 결국엔 죽은 듯 멈추겠지

난 아니니까

그래도 아직 아니니까

나 줄수있어. 사라져 줄수있어

담배연기 처럼 흩날려가 줄수있어

내가 피운건 바람도 꽃도 아니였으니

그저 담배꽁초 하나만큼의 가치였으니

그래도 들어봐 난 너가 부담 될까봐

걱정했나봐 혹시 내가 누가 될까봐

바보같이 티도 못냈지 불편할까봐

반쪽짜리 감정은 불공평한가봐

벽을 친다. 너도 불편 했으면해

아프고 부담됐으면해 비참했으면해

부탁이야. 너도 불편해줘 이 노래가

니가 부담하는 처음이자 마지막 부담이야

내려놓기

내려놓기

out of order

my blog is out of order

look somewhere else for enlightenment

Dichotomy

It's easy to think the devil is closer than God. At first glance, sinning is affordable. Superbia, sloth, greed, lust, etc are very accessible. But in the short span of one marlboro exhaust I've come to understand that the said sins are practices that cannot be satiated. Whatever has no limit cannot be fulfilled, making it literally infinitely difficult to conquer or have grip on. They do not becomes yours to keep. You can't own them.

How about God things? These are also difficult because devil's things are always there to tempt. The main difference however is that God's things are for you to keep. They are much more rewarding.

Status Update

been there done that
fuck there and fuck that

싸가지

내가 싸가지가 좀 없냐??
미안
뻥이고 안미안 빙신아 ^^ㅗ

Rationale for Self Slavery

Why do i study?
For premium privileges promised for prestigious performances.
#swag

대화

"좋아하는 사람 생겼니?"

"갑자기 왜?"

"그래 보여서."

"맞아. 최근에 마음에 드는 여자가 있어."

"어떤 사람인데?"

"영혼이 맑은 여자야. 너무 맑아서 감히 다가갈 수 없게 만드는 여자. 슬슬 잊어가야지."

"짝사랑이군."

"그래 짝사랑. 모르겠다. 이런 소모적인 감정에 무슨 의미가 있는지."

"난 그 자체로 의미가 있다고 생각하는데?"

"무슨 의미?"

"겸손을 배우잖아. 너같이 자존심 강하고 니 잘난맛에 사는 놈들에겐 더없이 적절한 처방전이지."

"하하. 무슨 말이 그래?"

"왜, 맞잖아. 넌 무의식적으로 그 여자를 높이고 니 자신을 낮추고 있어. 영혼이 맑으니 뭐니 말도 안되는 개드립이나 치면서."

"진짜거든? 걔는 계산할 줄도 모르고 만사에 악의가 없어. 흰색같은 여자라니까."

"넌 신을 경험하고 있는거야."

"이건 또 무슨 소리래. 여기서 신이 왜나와?"

"창조주 말이야. 사랑의 창조주. 짝사랑의 표본. 그 사람은 믿는 도끼에 발등만 수만번을 찍히면서도 여전히 도끼를 놓지 못하잖아."

"개독새끼. 개드립은..."

"계속해 짝사랑. 언젠간 성취 할지도 모르잖아? 어쩌면 신도."

나

남을 위해 살지 않고
우리라는 우리에 갇히지 않는다.

이런 질문이 많다
다른 사람을 위해, 사랑하는 사람을 위해 죽을 수 있겠느냐,
뭐 이런 것들.

더 중요한 질문은,
당신은 당신 자신을 위해 죽을 수 있는가?
나는 나를 위해 죽을 수 있는가?

죽자
나를 위해 죽어야 나를 위해 산다고 할 수 있다.
진리는 항상 모순을 동반한다.
살아야 죽고,
죽어야 산다.

이기적이라 해라
난 너의 그런 시선조차
신경쓰지 않는 완벽히 통제된 이기를 추구한다.

입장정리

이게 뭐가 공감이 된다는 거야? 하나도 공감 안가네. 뭐 이래?

So what

그래서 어쩌라고

Marlboro

"무슨 담배 피냐?"

"말보로요. 말보로 라이트."

"왜 말보로를 피지?"

"무난하잖아요. 처음 배웠을 땐 이것 저것 많이 펴봤어요. 근데 결국 무난한거에 손이 가더라고요."

"맞아. 원래 그런거지. 처음엔 다들 자신만의 정체성을 찾으려고 이것저것 해보다가 결국엔 말보로나 팔리아멘트 처럼 대중적인 브랜드를 택하게 되어있지. 참 안타깝기도 해."

"근데 그게 왜요? 무난한게 좋잖아요."

"그건 그렇지. 재밌는 건, 사람들은 대부분 이렇게 살아가지. 어릴때는 자기가 좋아하는 거, 잘하는 거를 해보다가 결국 무난한 직장으로 발길을 돌리는 거지. 무난하고 안전하다는 이유만으로."

"그건 그렇네요."

"네가 선택하는 거야. 왠만하면 벤슨같은 걸 피라구. 그리고 중독이 되버려. 그 담배곽의 색, 레이블의 폰트조차 사랑하는 법을 배우란 말이야. 그리고 암에 걸려 죽어버려. 말보로 피는 것보다 훨씬 나은 선택일꺼야. 나 간다."

선배는 그렇게 자리에서 일어나 사라졌다. 그 이후로 말보로에 손을 댄적이 없다. 선배가 하는 말이 무엇인지 알 것 같았으니까.

On 허세

Hus.

I think I have a good understanding of 허세. Let me share the wisdom.

허세 is an act that puts more focus on its presentation than the actual action itself. It is deliberately executed. An example is holding the Starbucks cup with the logo showing. An extension of this is taking a picture this way and uploading on public cyberspace like facebook or cyworld. This Starbucks example may only apply exclusively to Koreans, but you get the point. Another common method is car key. Let that Mercedes trigon (to be fair, not quite a trigon, but w.e.) glare. Casually put it out on the table as if your skinny jean is too tight for your keys to squeeze through its pockets.

On what occasions does 허세 turn people, or more specifically girls, off? This happens when the 허세 is seen through - when one is caught practicing it. If played right, 허세 can reap its share of positive outcome, but the consequence of failure hits hard. For one, it receives criticism for its deviousness. Bragging is annoying, but humble-bragging is worse. 허세 is analogous to humor in that it's annoying when one tries to be funny; natural, effortless humor is way more pleasant. Secondly, if the girl has equivalent material or merit that matches yours, you lose.

So in a way, 허세 is a gamble, but it is crackable. Here is the player's manual for those who want to win the game.

1. Guidance.
If you want to brag about your prestigious pedigree, make them ask for it. Casually throw questions like "Oh, by the way, where do you go to school?" Even this is pretty blatant; a better start would be just talking about school in general. "Ah... I don't want to go back to school.... English major at my school is so fucking rigorous" or something like that. Control the conversation and steer it toward your ultimate goal. The girl's ideal response is something along the lines of, "Me too... where do you go to school?" Now drop the Ivy bomb. I go to Columbia, bitch. GG. Don't forget to leave out the bitch part though....... lol...... (this is funny because I tried to be funny and its cute how I tried)

WARNING. Don't say "I go to a small school in New York," and be all secretive about your bomb. It can be seen as humble-brag and may turn the girl off.

2. Swag.
Another way to ensure win is swag. Like, subtly "dropping" your Harvard student ID, or something. Although this still may turn off people who go to school on par with Harvard, on most occasions, the H bomb is too deafening for girls to look askance at. I guess more progressed pedigrees like HYP => Rhodes/Marshall Scholar or HMS or 서울대 의대 (although debatable) can trump it...... but they are few in number, so pass.
In a sense, swag is like a cheat key. It wins 99.99% of the time (this is seems about right since Harvard UG students place @ around 99.99th percentile of all college students). Standards of swag may differ by person, though, so be careful. Like, a nouveau riche can't play the wealth card in front of old money. It just doesn't work. But still, swagging out is mostly pretty safe. You can't go wrong with blasting music on Aston Martin or the likes, you know?

I guess guidance is the most credited approach at it because it is reasonably easy to carry out with little risk. Also, swag is hard to achieve. Guidance on the other hand doesn't require the most 허세-esque merits; you can naturally hint that both of your parents are neurosurgeons or corporate lawyers... well, I guess these are pretty 허세-esque merits... but even your "humble" Lexus IS250 can work its magic depending on the target. Guidance is safe because the audience can't call you out for 허세 since they are the ones asking for it. Give it to them. 

Questions of the Week

Questions of the Week:

1. How is one's handwriting determined? It seems like handwriting is analogous to finger print in that it distinguishes one's unique identity from those of others. What factors cause one's script to bend and curve the way it does? Why and how does it change over time?

2. Are cigarettes from one company more prone to cause pulmonary diseases than those of others? Staticicians or researchers should conduct an experiment on this. Benson & Hedges vs. Parliament vs. Marlboro vs. Camel. Something like that.

Consumption

소모적인건 싫다
소모적인 음악
소모적인 관계, 뭐든.
빠져나가는 건 많은데 얻어지는 건 없는 그런 것들.

엘리베이터

혼자 엘리베이터를 탈 때면
조용히 고백을 연습 해보곤 한다
좋아해
이 좁아터진 공간을 매우는 소리에는
도대체 무슨 의미가 있는걸까?
없는걸까?
그래 없다
하하

Angle

Angle.

In most cases, there is more than one angle to play from.
Just take a few steps back and let all fall in place.

Grey

회색.

널 위해 별을 따줄 수도 없고
목숨을 내놓을 수도 없다.

그래도 색이 또렷할 만큼
확신이 선다.

불꽃처럼 타오르진 않지만,
그렇지만

Emotion

Disclaimer: This discourse on emotion is most likely only applicable to me. It is not applicable to ones whose default template of thought is one of reason. It is also not applicable to people whose emotional wavelengths do not match mine. My emotional built is almost exclusively unique.

Don't let emotion escape the rational platform of mind. Emotion is dangerous -- it destructs. It carries the propensity to revert and uproot all the founded principles, and ignores the strict yet reasonable guidelines of reality. It charges and explodes. It is not reserved in the slightest and once let lose, it's close to impossible to be tamed. 

Reality should be respected because it maintains order. It is honest and reliable. The problem is, it seldom receives the attention and respect it deserves because it is colorless and boring. Reality is pretty fucking boring.

Emotion is a dancer. It dances and dances until a more alluring version of it jumps onto the dance floor. Once let lose, emotion can be satiated and used up only through the conception of another. Interesting enough, the subsequent emotion is almost always a byproduct of the original emotion. This is how it works. An event triggers an emotional reaction. This reaction serves its full purpose only when it triggers another event significant enough to counterpoise the original's amplitude. The new event gives birth to another emotion. The cycle repeats itself. My mind is one heck of a ballroom. 

The chain is not impossible to break, though. Actually, to be honest, I haven't come across consistently working solutions against emotion. Fuck. I guess I will come back to this post when I do....

Pain

아픔은
익숙해지지 않는다.

You never get used to
pain.


아.
아프다.

그냥

막 너가 아니면 안될거 같거나
뭐 그런건 아닌데
그냥 너라면 꽤 많이 좋을거 같다.
안되겠니?

하늘

사람이 하늘이 무너져도 상관없다고 생각 될때는

죽도록 행복할때,

죽도록 불행할때

두 가지 경우이다. 

그러니 무너져라.

너가 지금 소란스럽게 무너진다한들
내가 눈 하나 깜짝 할까?

The Five

내 속엔 쓸데없이 고집만 강한 이상한 녀석들이 살고있다. 5명.

The Artist.
The Elitist.
The Dreamer.
The Conservative.
The Child

예술가랑 몽상가가 한 팀, 엘리티스트와 보수가 또 한 팀.
서로 섞어서 팀을 다시 짤 때도 있지만 보통 이렇게 나뉜다.
아이는 아이러니 하게도 독립적이다.

재밌는건, 지금은 다섯 모두 불행하다.

예술가는 억제되어 있어서,
엘리티스트는 명성을 손에 못 쥐어서,
몽상가는 일자리가 없어서,
보수는 지키고 싶은게 없어서.
아이는 입지가 좁아져서.

하하, 얘들아 미안.....

알아?

도망치고 싶어 죽겠는데
나갈 문이 없는 기분
알아?

Smoke

While looking at the busily dispersing clouds, a thought entered my mind -- perhaps God is a smoker himself. 

바쁘게 흩어지는 구름들을 보면서 든 생각이, 어쩌면 신도 골초가 아닐까.

아닌데

술이 몇잔 들어가면
왜
너보다 내가 더 중요해지는 걸까.
늦었는데
지금쯤 곤히 잠들어 있을지 모를 너에게
상관없어
전화 걸고,
네 마음보다 내 마음이 훨씬 더 중요해서, 더 절박해서
전달하고
술 좀 깨면 후회하고
참 근사하지 못하게
참 마음만 아프게
원래는 이렇지 않은데,
이게 아닌데
아닌데

Density of the Soul

*** Philip Glass' Facades running as I composedly compose

As I age, the idealist occupying a corner of my soul seems to constantly soften. I feel like she will succumb to some foreign force and melt down at some point or another, if not metamorphose into vapor and vanish before.

Two years ago, perhaps three, I remember sitting down on my chair on a nondescript 3 AM night, making some incendiary promise to myself, that my body will lay cold and pale before setting free my idealistic visions.

Years have passed since then. Now as a wretched figure - aged and grayed - I stare at my young self, captured in a moment of sentiment as streaming feelings of proudness and concern mix and flutter. Proud of my youth's purity, and concerned to see that exact shade of white being tarnished and spat upon in the earliest future.

You and I both know that even the strongest locks rust with time, that pinkie promises break just as easily as the flexing pinkie itself. Time never messes up. The constant beat of tics and tocs never digresses from the system. My knees gravitate towards the ground.

But a hunch tells me something is off. Intuition tells me that the same hunch has bothered geniuses of all ages, lifting them to rise against the conception of rational mind - the acceptance of reality. The hunch is enough to align me shoulder to shoulder with all the preceding skeptics - the irrational genius. Revolution derives its power from a single step. Am I mistaken? Do we have it wrong? What meaning is to be made out of the miscarried revolution?

Whatever. Here I am now, revisiting my fateful promise. I feel my wrinkles undoing their curves, faded hair returning black and vernal, knees unbending. Heart pulsates.

I think I might just collapse towards the sky

Mmmm, I smell genius.

Comforting Tunes

최근 잠시나마 행복이 무엇인지 이해한다고 느꼈다.

피아노, 영혼.
조율 풀린 건반 위로
주고받는 흑과 백.
가끔은 부드럽게, 가끔은 울퉁불퉁
흐르는 음과 음,
숨과 숨 사이에 작은 공간.

행복



Recently, I felt like I understood what happiness was.

Piano & a soul or two.
Keys, black and white, rallying back and forth on the out-of-tune board.
Flowing easy and smooth, other times rocky and rough.
A gentle repose resting between a note and another,
between a breath and another.

Happiness

On Memory. 추억에 대하여

Memory is beautiful in that it is forever preserved & kept & out-of-reach. Once you lay a fingertip on it, its worth reduces to a morsel of dust. This perhaps suffice as my justification for not meeting up with my old elementary school pals whom I have not seen for a decade. In my mind and probably in theirs as well, our old selves are beautifully idealized & enshrined, unprepared for abrupt contact or intrusion. 

Derek could kick the soccer ball so far up into the sky that the ball half the time returned with linens of cloud attached to it. We would form a circle around the soccer ball to pick up the cloud fabrics and let them dissolve on our tongues -- finger-licking good. Ronald, the spelling whiz, was left downcast for months after placing second in the local Spelling Bee. Rumor has it that he broke into tears on the stage after misspelling "gubernatorial" or something, or something like that something. Oh yeah, and Kristy was pretty. Very pretty. I don't know, I am probably remembered as an all-round Renaissance Man. No one knows that now I cannot do a single thing right anymore.

This is our own little collage of yellowed & faded photographs, kept safely within the album of our hearts. Being updated upon Kristy's new status as a single mom of an illegitimate child or Derek's medical obesity would only shred the snapshots into crumbs. So, at least for now, no touch. Let it be what it used to be. 

추억이 아름다운 이유는 다시 돌아갈 수 없어서 이다.
보존되고 박제되어야 한다.
추억에 손을 대는 순간 추억의 가치는 증발하니까.
이것이 내가 초등학교 동창들을 안만난 이유,
아니면 그저 핑계?
모르겠다 

신호등

나 요즘 이런 생각한다?
어쩌면 우리둘은 그저 같은 신호등에 달린 신호들이 아닐까 하는...
난 파란불, 너는 빨간불이라던지.
뻗어도 닿을 수 없고,
간절해도 이루어질수 없는.

Short Story 그녀 #3

#3

McCosh Hall 앞 벤치에 앉아서 담배나 뻑뻑 태워대던 중이였다. 위대해지려고 발버둥 쳐봤자 어차피 다 담배 개비같은 인생들이 아닌가 따위의 생각을 할때쯤 그녀가 나타났다. 첫 만남.

"불좀 빌릴게요."

그녀는 담배와는 눈꼽만큼도 안어울릴거 같은 모습으로 내 듀퐁 라이터를 건네 받으면서 벤치에 앉았다. 조금 달라붙는 하늘색 남방 차림에 묶은 머리, 그리고 작은 키. 입에는 담배를 문채 유난히 큰 눈동자로 내 무릎에 놓여있는 책을 소리없이 응시했다. For Whom the Bell Tolls.

"헤밍웨이 좋아하나봐요?"

"좋죠. 천재니까."

"헤밍웨이가 절제하지 않고 글을 썼어도 스스로 목숨을 끊었을까요?"

"네?"

"아니에요. 이만 가볼게요, 또 봐요."

그렇게 의미심장한 말을 속삭인 후, 옅은 미소를 띈채 일어선 그녀는 빠르게 멀어져만 갔다. 그렇게 그녀와의 첫 만남이 끝났다.

fuck you

난 뭐냐
넌 뭐냐
위대함이 무엇이고
난 뭐냐
남들은 뭐고
난 뭐냐
슬픔이 뭐고
사랑이 뭐냐
아픔이 뭐냐
나쁨이 뭐고
선이 뭐냐
기억이 뭐고
감정이 뭐냐
소리가 뭐고
음악이 뭐냐
외로움이 뭐고
속이 뭐냐
겉이 뭐냐
쓰레기
담배가 뭐고
술이 뭐냐
나쁜게 뭐냐
중립이 뭐고
선택이 뭐냐

Wisdom

Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.

Proverbs 4:7

Short Story 그녀 #2

#2

사실 아빠 회사가 부도 났다는건 새빨간 거짓말이다. 하지만 난 수업에서 교수가 던지는  "What is Shakespeare's rhetorical purpose in lines 3-5 of the first stanza?" 따위의 질문들에 진절머리가 나있었고 더이상 셰익스피어가 어떤 이름모를 여인을 따먹으려고 싸지른 작업 각본들을 해부하고 싶지 않았다. 프린스턴을 떠나야 한다. 물론, 그녀의 대답에 달려있지만.

누나는 갑작스런 고백에 당황한 기색이 역력했다.

"날 좋아한다고? 니가? 니가 왜 날 좋아해?"

사실 이런 반응이 나오는게 당연하다. 나는 그녀를 좋아하는 티를 한번도 낸적 없으니까. 이럴때만 그 셰익스피어 작자가 나라면 뭐라고 했을지 궁금해진다. 빌어먹을.

"고백했는데 반응이 영 시원찮네. 고백한 사람 민망하게 "왜"가 뭐에요?
아무튼, 우리 집안이 폭삭 망해서 거지된거 빼곤, 저 그럭저럭 괜찮지 않아요?"

"웃기지마. 너의 아버지 일은 미안하게 됬지만 난 연애나 할만큼 한가하지 않아. 먼저 갈게."

조금 화난 표정으로 벤치에서 일어나 벌써 저만치 걸어가는 그녀. 그녀의 멀어지는 가녀린 뒷모습을 보면서, 말은 무심한듯 차갑게 뱉고 갔어도 속으론 별의 별 생각과 걱정을 하고 있을거란 것 쯤은 알수있다. 난 이런 그녀가 좋다.

Short Story. 그녀

#Prologue

쏴아.

가끔 지붕없는 머리위로 상상의 소나기가 쏟아진다.

빽빽이 내리는 빗줄기와 빗줄기 사이로 말도안되는 풍경들이 펼쳐지고

가끔은 지옥을, 때로는 황홀을 맛보게 된다.

악마와 계약을 맺기도 하고,

꿈속의 그녀와 춤을 추기도 한다.

하지만 아름다움은 지속될수 없기에 아름다운 거겠지.

마지막 빗방울이 몸을던져 흙과 마찰하는 동시에

아무일도 없었다는 듯, 모든게 잠잠해지고

구름한점 없는 하늘아래 빗물 고인 웅덩이가 하나 둘 증발하면서

눈앞에 펼쳐지는 현실.

"여기까지야" 라고 속삭인다.

슬픈건 한마디의 반박조차 할수 없다는 것.

그래. 한가지 확실한건,

현실은 절대 틀린말을 하지 않는다.

#1

보여줄것이 있다는 핑계로 그녀를 불러냈다. 사실 보여줄건 없었다. 앞장서서 계단을 성큼성큼 올라갔고, 내 마음을 아는지 모르는지 그녀는 별 저항없이 내 뒤를 따라왔다. 올라갈수록 심장은 내려앉는듯 느껴졌고, 땀으로 젖어가는 손은 주머니속에 깊이 찔러 넣었다.

마침내 도착한 곳은 교내 공원. Humanities 빌딩과 Mathematics 빌딩 사이에 위치한 작은 공간. 이과의 이성적인 기운과 문과의 감성적인 분위기가 맛깔나게 대조되어 어울리진 않아도 안어울린다고 하기엔 또 뭐한 말모를 풍경을 연출한다. 오래된듯 멋스럽게 낡은 벤치에 걸터앉아 자판기에서 뽑아온 캔커피를 그녀에게 건냈다.

"누나, 저 사실 이번학기만 다니고 학교 그만둬요. 아빠 회사가 갑자기 부도가 나서 학비를 못대준다고 어제 전화왔는데."

말하면서 그녀의 눈치를 살폈지만 별다른 변화가 없었고, 난 계속 이어갔다.

"마침 잘됐다 싶어요. 원래 제가 생각이 좀 많잖아요. 이제 마음 내키는대로, 눈치 안보고 내맘대로 할려구요."

의아해 하는 그녀의 눈. 그녀가 입을 열기전에 재빨리 가로챘다.

"좋아한다구요."

Dream

If reality is one of your biggest obstacles, you are probably on the right track.


현실이 당신의 가장 큰 장애물중 하나라면 올바로 가고있는 거에요. 



꿈

On humility

It's funny. "Be humble" is one of the most hackneyed advices of wisdom and yet men's ignorance on its meaning persists unabated. Many seem to believe that humility entails "less than" type of self-abasement. To be fair, if people want to feel like saints by attempting to practice humility, let them. But, to stand by this post's purpose, I do wish to shed light on what it means to be truly humble.

Humility is not analogous to self-loathe. The Cambridge theologian Richard Foster puts it well, defining humility as a skill to  "live as close to the truth as possible: the truth about ourselves, the truth about others, the truth about the world in which we live." Makes much more sense, does it not? Simply lowering oneself in the name of humility is a futile pretense. Instead, there should be a search for truth, involving objective evaluation of others as well as self. One must be on a constant journey to find and judge reality as it is.

Ok, then why do we need to be reminded of humility? This is so because pride often gets in the way & blow reality out of proportion, leaving us with an inaccurate picture of reality. And then we end up believing that we are orchestrating our own progress, leaving out God in the equation.

Humility let's us see where & how God is moving in our lives.

이진화

한때 내가 즐겨 들었던 노래
이젠 없는 사람의 흔적
그녀의 영혼
아름답다

Rest in peace

너

뒤따라 오는 널 위해 문을 잡아주는 남자는 되지 못해도
너가 지나갈 때 까지 닫히지 않는 문 정도는 되줄 수 있는데

Blog Manual

Blog Manual

생각해보면 살면서 이뤄놓은게 많이 없다. 노벨 문학상 후보에 오른적도 없고 암의 치유를 발견하지도 못했다. 그럭저럭 최상위권 대입시험 점수를 얻었지만 명문대 진학에는 실패했고, 그 흔한 악기하나 다루지 못하며, 모아놓은 돈뭉치 따위도 없다. 하지만 난 근 몇년간 누가 시키지도 않은 짓을 꾸준히 해왔고 이것은 내 자신에게 자랑스러울만한 결과물이다. 블로그.


참, 블로그에 게시된 글이 벌써 250개가 넘었지만 한번도 이 블로그에 대해 설명하지 않았다. 원래는 개인적인 놀이터였던 이 곳은 더이상 나만의 공간이 아니다. 그러므로 설명. 설명은 영어로.

내 블로그에 글이 벌써 500개
Publish 된것 ~250개
Publish 안된것 ~250개


In the un-published pile, there are some of the most radical, morally fucked up posts that would be construed invariably as, to say the least, disturbing. The posts available for read on the blog all have passed through the filter. I don't know, the conservative in me says censorship is the sine qua non of avoiding unwanted friction & controversy. 


Also, for your information, the posts are not necessarily truthful or reflective of my personal viewpoints. Many are fictional, and many posts composed in first-person POV are not necessarily consistent with my own beliefs. But don't get me wrong; by no means I try to be a phony -- I just try to make this place a farrago of diverse contents, rich of colorful perspectives. I want these to incite your often "hidden" or latent sentiments that cannot be found in your everyday textbooks, media, TV shows, or whatever fits the occasion. And by delivering the sentiments, I purport to encourage abundant thinking at the same time. The cardinal theme of this blog is one of my all time favorite oxymorons: "thoughtful sentiment." I hope my posts intellectually stimulate you as their emotional output concurrently rains on your soul (probably more of the latter given my emotional incline).

And as you can tell, my traditional posts are written in Korean. Now I'm trying to balance between Korean and English in attempt to broaden my English lexicon as well as work on the overall control of this language. I used to be satisfied with being "good" for a fob at executing English, but as I reconsidered my values and revisited my purpose for greatness, I realized I aspire to be one of the best English users of fob origin. And, for an English major, I suck at writing owing to the wasted, regretful days of the past, which had been an adversely synergistic combination of reading little for pleasure & Sparknoting profusely for the required reads. Anyway, which ever way I put it, it's about time. 


And for clarification, the title CLXXX translates to 180 in Roman metric system. 180 is the highest score anyone can achieve on the LSAT and used widely across law school forums as an adjective describing something of high quality. Secondly, if the overtly mysterious XXX is stripped of its secrecy, the letters ASS may unveil (vulgar, I know), completing the arrangement of the word of prestige: Class. 

Also be noted -- if you are reading this, you are probably one of the few people I care about in my life, or not. Or maybe you just care about me with the care unreciprocated (in that case, accept my apologies). Or maybe not. I don't know, maybe you are simply bored as fuck, or maybe you just stumbled upon this place while searching the lyrics to some song. Anyway, I think you are pretty fucking special for being on my mind-boggling blog of brilliance. I give you thanks. 

My blog awaits you & me, always.

Williams College Essay

Williams College

Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you.

Beyond the thin layer of glass, I take a glance at the people. Students and teachers alike let out ever deep sighs. I can almost visualize the thick clouds of breaths, sinking deeper and deeper into the ground like a lost treasure chest drowning into the sea, or perhaps like a falling feather spiraling downwards.

My grandmother used to tell me that by observing people’s breaths, you can tell the kind of lives they are currently living. The words of wisdom, once so abstract, have solidified. I see people pumping out breathless breaths, the signs of scar and struggle.

My friend Sarah, whose parents are about to divorce, often talks to me about how she wishes she had a normal loving family. As she IMs me to complain about the frequent fights between her parents, I could feel her sighs replacing her fingers to press down the keys on the keyboard. Mr. Johnson, my newspaper advisor, recently stopped talking about his wife Martha, whom he usually loves to talk about, and told us not to get on his nerves because he is undergoing “personal problems.”

And yes, a single layer separates me from these people. The transparent window of society allows me to perceive what is out there, but is limiting just enough to prevent me from touching or helping them. This is the real world. Communication and understanding are difficult, unfamiliar, and perhaps even extravagant tasks in today’s world. And this is why I choose to be an idealist – I wish to do more than looking outside the window. Call it a daydream, but I dream to cast away people’s sinking breaths. Whether as a rapper sympathizing with the stressed-out students through invigorating rhymes, or maybe as a psychologist genuinely burning within to help the wounded, I wish to challenge the status quo, the dead cold window of society. Sorry, but I may have to invalidate the prompt – I must shatter this window.

=========================================

In retrospect, a lackluster, schmaltzy prose. But shit, props to my high school senior self. I cant put into words how much respect I have for the soul that drove the composition of the prose. This part of me fucking died. Now I am just a soulless dolt, chasing some transient mirage of prestige that I confuse with happiness. Actually, this is wrong. I am just in a strenuous effort to prove my worth, and prestige simply seems serviceable in such regard. And hence the entering of the adjective "prestigious" in my everyday phrasing. But why is it that my self-respect constantly slips away? Fuck... I just don't know anymore...

P.S. Shout out to Williams for tossing this soulful piece of shit into the recycle bin.

Humility

Give me humility so I can brag about it.

이적 - 그런걸까

만나지 못하면 사랑은 변하는 걸까

그런 걸까 그런 걸까

부치지 못하는 편지는 무의미한 걸까

그런 걸까 왜 그런 걸까

구름이 천천히 하늘을 가로지를 때

처마 끝에 맺힌 물방울 떨어질 때

난 그냥 이대로 언제나 그랬던 것처럼

늘 그렇게 널 생각하는데

어린 날 사랑은 철없는 추억인 걸까

그런 걸까 그런 걸까

끝내 어른스레 서로를 보내야 할까

그런 걸까 왜 그런 걸까

구름이 천천히 하늘을 가로지를 때

처마 끝에 맺힌 물방울 떨어질 때

난 그냥 이대로 언제나 그랬던 것처럼

늘 그렇게 널 생각하는데

구름이 천천히 하늘을 가로지를 때

처마 끝에 맺힌 물방울 떨어질 때

난 그냥 이대로 언제나 그랬던 것처럼

늘 그렇게 널 생각하는데

늘 그렇게 널 생각하는데

늘 이렇게 널 생각하는데

Career

Career choices or lack thereof stress me. The following are some visible paths, not in any particular order.

1. Law School. Some of the credited SAT => LSAT conversion formulae predict me ~174, which would place me @ the staggering top tier YHS. But I am 99% sure my indolence will get in the way of conquering that 3.9+ GPA. One pro = law schools accept students solely on numerical merits (with Y being the only exception plus maybe S). With all factored in, if I were to pursue law, I would end up at the CCN clump or maybe even MVP. Anyhow, T14 is probably a no problem & big law is most likely in reach, but various sources confirm that big law, or law in general, is a cesspool of mind-numbing bullshits. Plus, being in debt sucks cock, and that $160K a year doesn't seem to quite outweigh the cons. + it is rare to last more than five years at a given firm... Overall, law = miserable. fuck...

2. PHD => Profess like a boss. Limited slots of jobs = depressing. Being pressured to frequently publish articles and papers = miserable. BA => MA => PHD takes too long. To be fair, though, being tenured @ prestigious university is prestigious x 999. Lifestyle after being tenured = bomb. Being a professor is bomb, but the process to it is discouraging.

3. Rap. My lyricism is stellar, and I respect my "sense" and being alpha in contrast to all the amateur-like amateur beta fucks that sadly will never make it. But betas are overpopulated & dominant anywhere, so being alpha shouldn't serve as a reason for me to rhyme professionally. Con: lack of prestige among the public... & senescence comes by relatively fast; my lack of producing skills will leave me with no adequate source of income when wrinkled... T.T

4. Vet School. Again, the process. It makes good money & is prestigious, but the thought of studying science is repulsive. I like dogs & verbally communicating with patients seem to be no big deal, but am I down to spend 4-6 years studying veterinary? fuck...


conclusion:

fuck all. my future is in the clouds, but i cant imagine myself doing some prole or not-so-great shit in the future either.... my intuition foresees greatness, but who knows... but on the bright side, life is fun & funny in that it doesnt follow a pattern. maybe this is a good thing about not having a concrete dream? wow that was deep lulzy lulzy lulzy x 999

Use of Negativity

Depression, lack of content, or anger must take place within the deepest levels of anyone's inner heart. This is because secure happiness impedes progress. Take the Amazon Forest tribes for example, where depression is unknown. Residents frolic, mate, and smoke psychedelic plants all day and night. They stay the same and have had no material progress for centuries.

But, complete indulgence in depression is dangerous because one can drown himself in it. Depression may give way for a septic relative like diffidence to kick in, which renders the individual hopeless and therefore powerless.

Lack of content & confidence is a good pair; Depression & activity is another.

Embrace just enough negative vision to suffice as foundation of effort. Then => progress and profit like a fucking boss $$$$$$$$$$$ x 999 awww yeaaaaaaaaaaah

Wish

작은 욕심이 하나 있습니다.

제가 그대에게 상관있고 싶습니다.
비록 그대가 제게 전혀 상관 없더라도...

이기적인가요?

말

별을 빛으로 말하고
꽃은 향으로 말하니

당신은 무엇으로 말하겠는가?

균형

나의 위대함.
그리고 세상의 온갖 천박함, 미미함, 평범함, 쓰레기같음, 규칙, 무식, 평균, 그저그럼


우리의 공존

우린 이것을 균형이라고 부른다

Fuck

I fuck shit up

Complex

그나저나
학벌 콤플렉스는 어떻게 극복해야 하나...
요즘도 2011년 봄만 생각하면
불쾌해서 으.... 으...

으....................

숙제다 숙제

아직 약하다 약해

갈길이 멀다

a take on love

사랑이란 있는거에요

'없다'랑 '있다'가 있다면
'있다' 쪽에 극하게 치우친 그런 것.

뭘하던 있는거
곁에 없어도 있는거
그 사람이 너무 있는거

사랑

In the Clouds

제 미래는 구름속에 있다고 믿어요

형태는 흐리고 잘 안보여도

높이 있을듯 싶습니다.

저한테 꿈은 명확하고 고정된 것이 아니고

계속 개척해 나아가야 하는 것인가봐요

사람들이 꿈이 뭐냐고 물으면 대답을 못합니다.

근데 걱정은 안해요.

비록 꿈은 잃어버렸지만

의지는 있으니까

예전엔 꿈이란 걸 너무 멀리서 찾으려고 했어요

가까이서 찾으려구요.
좋은 음악을 듣고
좋아하는 여자를 웃게 해주고
좋은 사람들과 좋은 음식을 먹고...
뭐 그런것들이 꿈이 될수도 있지 않을까요?

글이 참 난잡하네요...

사실 아직 잘 모르겠어요, 꿈 같은거..
잠을 더 자야겠어요 ㅋㅋ

Hmm

As I took time reading the Steve Jobs biography, I came to look back on my life's progression as well as all the shortcomings that pertinaciously revolved around it. In all objectivity, I have failed in many stages in life - sometimes as a student, other times as a son, and mostly as a human being.

I don't know since when, but I've been building my set of values around the rewards rather than the process. I used to pride myself in collecting a handful of A's from the in-class essays on the works of literature that I never read. I considered them a heck of an achievement and I gave a pat on my head for its staggering cerebral output. I guess the pride was a byproduct of my subconscious and furtive effort to compensate for the obvious laziness I practiced.

I was nurturing this sort of evil inside me. Soon enough it grew an alphabet in front of its label. Devil! In his spell, I became a sort of paradox - embracing the very values that I frequently voiced against. Conforming to societal values is rubbish, I would say, while peeking at the pert Porsche driving by - eyeballs sparkling with admiration. Or I would spit out derogatory remarks about the simple minds, as I simply grade-grubbed in classes to write out a convincing report card. Process meant little, and the creature taught me all the ways to rationalize my foolish attitude and doings.

Process matters, I realize, because outward display or accomplishment merely projects an empty shell - a void. And credited outcome almost always shadows the process; this time, the display is full and supported. As I take true pride in making sound accomplishments, I am exempt from worrying about facing my insecurities.

And there is talent, which is both a blessing and a curse. I am talented, so this is important. Talent is a curse because it makes laziness more affordable and convincing. It permits and persuades the talented to do less to achieve equal, and stop. "Wait a minute," The talented thinks to himself. “Wow, I can do so little, still place at 95^th percentile. I’ll have fun taking astronomical shits on the hustling proles.” In essence, it puts a cap to one’s potential, and whispers “enough.”

Talent is a blessing because it is designed to give one greatness, which is off-limits to proles. While proles with effort can achieve some level of success – say top 5% - they weren’t chosen to achieve more than that. Life is a fair game because effort itself allows for an adequate level of success, and since greatness is mere extravagance to most, the deal is fair. But, I am talented, so by default I am burdened with the expectation to be great, to take a step further, and to explore more than the ungifted. The expectation is pleasant and fair, I feel.

So about Steve Jobs. Jobs inspired me because he was not driven by profits but by his motivation to make insanely great products. This is such a poor and cheap summary of the feelings and lessons I got from the book, but I can’t properly spell out the entire experience either, so I guess this post somewhat does justice to my reflections.

I noticed I started out this post with a negative note. Being the mercurial guy I am, my mood had a turn and I feel that while I had some faults and may still do, my redirection and the fruitful results of life waiting ahead seem to be more than sufficient in forgiving myself. And eh, I probably will still grade grub a little and have hypocritical tendencies, but I am more aware of myself and won’t ever let myself corrupt down to my roots. Funny, I feel like a fucking optimist.  

Bad Memories

나쁜 기억들이 생각나곤 한다.

이런 기억들은 심장을 막 콕콕 쑤시진 않지만

심장 주위를 맴돌면서 텁텁함을 조성한다. 찌꺼기 같은 존재. 

내가 다른 사람들보다 좋았던 순간들이 없었던것 일까

아니면 내가 그저 비관적인 사람이라서 그것들을 놓친것일까?

루핀 교수에 의하면 페트로누스를 소환할때는 가장 강력한 기억을 떠올려야 한다.

내 페트로누스는 디멘터 하나 조차 쫓아내지 못할것 같다.

행복

행복이란 놈은 예민해서 온도 조절이 제일 중요해요.

너무 따듯하면 녹아버리고

너무 차가우면 얼어버리고 마니까.

꿈과 현실, 사랑과 증오, 존경과 질투심.

균형을 하나 둘 맞춰가다보면 딱 맞는 행복을 손에 쥐게 되겠죠?

Advice for those in love

지금 달려가세요.
그녀를 붙잡고,
딸기우유 같은거 하나 건네면서
말하세요.
좋아한다고.
이런 뼈대없는 고백은 실패하기 십상인데,
딸기우유도 받고 고백까지 거절하면 그녀는 정말 미안하겠죠?
아쉽게도
그 미안함이 그녀가 당신에게 느낄 가장 크고 진지한 감정일테니
그걸로 만족하시고
한두번 정도 울고
나아가세요

성경책

성격책을 사러 갔는데,
종류가 너무 많은거야.
이것 저것 보다가 제일 안팔리게 생긴걸 골랐지.
사람들이 많이 만지작거린 것 같이 생긴 책.
구원.
내가 이 책을 구원했으니 이 책도 날 구원하겠지?

음
제 생각에는요

번역

딱히 날씨가 흐린 것도 아니고
무슨일이 있는 것도 아닌데
기분이 별로.
번역이나 해야겠어요.

Observation

From time to time, I am hit with this urge to find out what it feels like to be deaf, or something similarly disabled. I would get killed if I were a cat, but such isn't the case, so I can try. I once thought putting force on the mute button while watching TV would do the job. Nope. The very wisdom that sound is just a button away leaves me with more ignorance than ever. I came to conclude that the terror of being deaf comes not from the dysfunction itself but instead from the absence of choice. Sound is to a deaf man as unicorn is to us.

Interesting is the truth that you, or me, can easily create deafness. Homemade deafness, what an idea! But it happens all the time, and in fact, deafness is the default state of ordinary people. Take Vincent for example. Vincent is an undergraduate math major who dreams to practice law. He graduates UG with a 3.5 and 160 LSAT. Truth is, Big Law does not exist for Vincent. V30 Firms, what are they?

We put ourselves into situations where we are left without choice, where greatness becomes unthinkable. This is exactly what should make us tremble with fear: mediocrity.

The problem is, we are run by the system of Why's. Myriad question marks put fence around our possibilities; we routinely doubt and question. We turn into skeptics in times when skepticism is most unwanted and unneeded. We process to be okay with things that are not okay.

Exposure to greatness is of importance. Live for bigger maps, rich of routes and directions. All must be done is to make greatness thinkable, and it will be there.

옛날

초등학교 2학년 까지 한국에서 학교를 다녔는데
2학년 때가 기억난다.
한창 포켓몬스터 스티커가 유행하던 때였는데
한 여자애랑 자주 교환을 했었던 것 같다.
하루는 쉬는시간에 내가 미뇽을 주고 또도가스를 받고
선생님 근처에서 얼쩡거리고 있었는데
선생님이 물어 보셨다.

"인재야 너 현재 좋아하니?"

"!?!? 아뇨??? ??? ?ㄴ?? ??ㅇ__ㅇ?? ? ㅇㅇㄴㄹ?ㅁㄴ? 제가 왜? ?ㅇ???????"

"아, 그래? ^^*"

생각해보면 재밌다.
장사꾼 심보로 유명하던 내가 유독 그녀에게만 손해보는 장사를 했으니까.
또도가스를 얻으려고 미뇽을 건내준 나.
쉬는시간마다 포켓몬을 핑계로 그녀에게 갔던게
티가 났나보다. 그때는 생각도 안해봤는데
아마 그녀를 좋아했나 보다.

10년도 넘었는데.

넌 잘지내고 있겠지?

Age

좋아서 웃을 일도 없고
슬퍼서 울을 일도 없고
이게 나이먹는 과정이다

Imagination

어렸을 땐 상상만으로 어디든 갈 수 있는 줄 알았다.
근데 아니다.
상상은 그럭저럭 정교하고 유쾌한 그림을 그려주긴 하지만
단지 그것뿐.
경험을 해야 피부로 느껴지는 것들이 있다.
같은 이치로, 선입견이란 상상의 부작용이다.

돈

빚 얘기 좀 그만해
내가 아는 빚은 그저
햇빛 밖에 없으니

- "Don't tell me what to do" of Streetlightz

Questions

사랑은 궁금증이다.
평소엔 신경도 안쓸 것들이 궁금해지는, 뭐 그런거.

그녀의 음악적 취향이라던지, 좋아하는 음식, 색, 등이 있겠지만
사랑을 가장 잘 대변하는 의문은

"난 이런데 넌 어떤지" 겠지


그렇게 많이는 아니지만
조금은 연관된 곡 하나 추천:

다이나믹 듀오의 신곡 참고 살아

휴학

I tried to take a break from school,

but school took a break from me.

swag.

휴학.