Quits and Plans and more

I quit nicotine
I quit facebook
I plan to quit people, save the closest and most trusted ones.

I plan to pick up music again, but it's a catch-22 since I derive my musical energy from relationships with people of variety and all the imperfections that come out of them.

I quit dreaming a while back actually and my rationale is that I am not confident. I am not confident I will find meaning. Because I think that for it to have anything that looks like meaning, it has to have influence and communication. I have no groundbreaking technique or style to offer and knowing the Korean audience, I know only a select few would have the ears to fully appreciate my greatness.

I plan to practice medicine. Law is a boring job with dreamless people. If I can't dream myself, I at least wish to be surrounded by those who do. Medicine is a richer field with more pursuit of meaning and more impressive people. And impressive people impress me, and I like being impressed because I rarely am. Maybe it's the cost of attending a middling school like my own, but there's that.

I am in the process of quitting arrogance. Korea has been almost cruelly humbling because it has taught me how dependent I am. It's actually very hard to land a tutoring job without the Korean mom networking. I expected my elite English status (at least in Korea) to let me turn down solid-paying jobs left and right, but surprisingly, no. And I am scared to get jobs at McDonalds or Lotteria because I am bad at listening to directions and consequently very convinced I would fuck up while wrapping a burger or doing the dishes. Yes, I have no serviceable skill.

And I have to admit -- I am lonely. And Korea perpetuates loneliness. It does this by 1. The average person being so fucking dumb (as in their values, perspectives, etc) and boring, 2. All the couples performing lovey dovey bullshit out there, 3. The media being a truly exhausting source of mindlessness and sin.

Of course, loneliness extends to cynicism. Cynicism and depression go together. So I am constantly reminded of how lonely I am and how jobless I am and thus how worthless I am. I would expect that this is actually untrue and would like to think myself as potentially very influential, promising, and valuable. But it's difficult to see things in brighter light when all I see are pieces of feces floating around everywhere. And through this I notice how visuals are so important and influential -- you are what you see. People here are generally dumb because they see dumb things growing up.

Anyway, I am a sorry ass cynic locked up in my house, pressing on mmmmmmmmm to add more marines to my troop and eagerly right clicking to give these armed fools a sense of direction that I can't seem to provide for myself.

And I haven't used English in such a long time. I feel my speech and writing have deteriorated considerably, which I hope would get back in shape once I return to the states.