Hairstyle

사랑이란 어쩌면
그 사람의 헤어스타일이 상관 없어지는,
뭐 그런 단순한 것인지도 모른다는 생각이 들었다.

#좋아보여

Quits and Plans and more

I quit nicotine
I quit facebook
I plan to quit people, save the closest and most trusted ones.

I plan to pick up music again, but it's a catch-22 since I derive my musical energy from relationships with people of variety and all the imperfections that come out of them.

I quit dreaming a while back actually and my rationale is that I am not confident. I am not confident I will find meaning. Because I think that for it to have anything that looks like meaning, it has to have influence and communication. I have no groundbreaking technique or style to offer and knowing the Korean audience, I know only a select few would have the ears to fully appreciate my greatness.

I plan to practice medicine. Law is a boring job with dreamless people. If I can't dream myself, I at least wish to be surrounded by those who do. Medicine is a richer field with more pursuit of meaning and more impressive people. And impressive people impress me, and I like being impressed because I rarely am. Maybe it's the cost of attending a middling school like my own, but there's that.

I am in the process of quitting arrogance. Korea has been almost cruelly humbling because it has taught me how dependent I am. It's actually very hard to land a tutoring job without the Korean mom networking. I expected my elite English status (at least in Korea) to let me turn down solid-paying jobs left and right, but surprisingly, no. And I am scared to get jobs at McDonalds or Lotteria because I am bad at listening to directions and consequently very convinced I would fuck up while wrapping a burger or doing the dishes. Yes, I have no serviceable skill.

And I have to admit -- I am lonely. And Korea perpetuates loneliness. It does this by 1. The average person being so fucking dumb (as in their values, perspectives, etc) and boring, 2. All the couples performing lovey dovey bullshit out there, 3. The media being a truly exhausting source of mindlessness and sin.

Of course, loneliness extends to cynicism. Cynicism and depression go together. So I am constantly reminded of how lonely I am and how jobless I am and thus how worthless I am. I would expect that this is actually untrue and would like to think myself as potentially very influential, promising, and valuable. But it's difficult to see things in brighter light when all I see are pieces of feces floating around everywhere. And through this I notice how visuals are so important and influential -- you are what you see. People here are generally dumb because they see dumb things growing up.

Anyway, I am a sorry ass cynic locked up in my house, pressing on mmmmmmmmm to add more marines to my troop and eagerly right clicking to give these armed fools a sense of direction that I can't seem to provide for myself.

And I haven't used English in such a long time. I feel my speech and writing have deteriorated considerably, which I hope would get back in shape once I return to the states.

Positive Explosion

마음 강하게 먹고
감사하면서
내일을 보는게 아니라
5년, 10년 후를 보면서
감사하면서
나 자신에게 잘해주면서
좌절하지 말고
우울해 하지 말고
열씸히
감사하면서
살자

씨발년아

꿈이 있으면 계속 꾸세요
꿈이 없으면 돈이라도 버세요
꿈도 없고 돈도 못 벌면
그냥 죽어 씨발 병신새끼야

Poetry

Dream Song 14 by John Berryman

Life, friends, is boring. We must not say so.
After all, the sky flashes, the great sea yearns,
we ourselves flash and yearn,
and moreover my mother told me as a boy
(repeatingly) "Ever to confess you're bored
means you have no

Inner Resources." I conclude now I have no
inner resources, because I am heavy bored. Peoples bore me,
literature bores me, especially great literature,
Henry bores me, with his plights & gripes
as bad as Achilles,

who loves people and valiant art, which bores me.
And the tranquil hills, & gin, look like a drag
and somehow a dog
has taken itself & its tail considerably away
into the mountains or sea or sky, leaving
behind: me, wag.

Hamartia

밑바닥 입니다.
모든일이 잘 안풀립니다.
혼자 보내는 시간이 많고
할 수 있는 일이 없고
제 가치를 증명할 수단도 없습니다.
지금 전 바라는 것도 없고
지킬 수 있는 것도 없고
흩어져 가는 모든 것,
떨어져 가는 모든 것들을
잡을 힘도, 능력도 없습니다.
자존심, 욕심을 버립니다.
믿었던 모든 건 절 배신했고
만신창이가 된 지금
내가 얼마나 비참하게 쓰러질 수 있는지
직접 확인 했습니다.
조용히, 물 흐르듯이 살겠습니다.
기회가 된다면
저도 보통사람 만큼만
딱 그만큼만 살고 싶네요.
저의 발버둥은 이렇게 막을 내립니다.
감사합니다.

Remap

에픽하이 4집을 다시 듣는다
좋다

빼빼로 데이

좋아하는 사람한테 빼빼로를 줘 보세요
왜? 좋아하니까.
그치만 그 사람의 마음을 바라진 마세요
그냥 좋아하니까 주세요 좋아하니까.
좋아해서 그 사람이 좋아하는 마음을 똑같이 돌려주길 기대하지 마세요.
바라지 마세요
그냥 좋아하니까 주세요.
그저 그뿐이라면 괜찮아요
괜찮아요

Value

Here is my updated set of values.


Things that count are relationships, family, God, resume, and cash.

Things that sort of count are memories, dreams, dogs, music, poetry, and greatness.

Things that do not count are emotions and most people.



Sent from Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1